The Tragedy of Growing Up
by Zlorecile
Summary: Zena is back, but everything is different. Five years later, not a thing is as they predicted. Everyone thought Zena had become stronger, but perhaps she is weaker now than ever before. Sequel to Love The Way it Hurts OcXGaaraXUtakata
1. Here We Go Again

It was a warm day for April. Or perhaps I was just used to the crispness of Kirigakure. I'd begun to miss my foggy home of five years as soon as the plane took off. I had become accustomed to traveling at this point that was true, but my current location was much different from any other. It was suffocating to be back in Konoha.

With ease I tore my eyes from the window of a moving car. "Schedule?" I demanded of the person sitting in front of me driving our black vehicle.

The girl fumbled through a schedule nervously. "Y-yes ma'am. Um well at nine you have a meeting with Calvin Klein. They want you to do the contract signing then. By ten we need to be at the studio for an interview. Two is a lunch date with friends Naruto and Sakura. Lastly at four you have a simple advertisement shoot. A company paid highly for you be their new face."

I nodded slowly, going over the schedule in my mind. "Cancel the lunch date with Naruto and Sakura."

"In all do respect ma'am you've canceled it every time you come to town. Would't it be good t-"

"You speak to much." I scolded. "You are my secretary, not my mother."

Someone sitting next to me stirred. A blue blanket fell off his shoulders. His amber eye peered out from beneath rich chocolate hair. He placed a hand over mine. "I know you're tense Zena but she only means well."

I let out a sigh. "Don't scold me as well Utakata."

"It will be good for you. I'll come if you wish." He started to rub small circles into my hand.

Reluctantly I nodded. "I don't wish to be in this town."

"Are you sure you want to go through with the contract with Calvin Klein then? Their main studio is here. You may have to move." Said Utakata.

"It's a million dollar contract. I couldn't refuse. Still, to think it's been five years..."

"And look at where you've come." Said Utakata. "Tobirama was smart. He had you do the editorials and interviews first. Things that wouldn't pay but would get your name out. Now he's letting you do the showroom business and you remain famous but bring in the bills. And..."

"And?" I asked

Utakata gently took my chin in his hand and placed a kiss on my forehead. "You're best friend is the top male model and actor of the year."

That brought an unwilling smile from me. "Though I do wish he wasn't quite as conceited. You have such diva syndrome."

Utakata laughed at my words and the car stopped. "Well, I'll let you off here for your signing. Tobirama texted you when you were asleep and said he was there already. We'll meet at Au Bon Pain for lunch with your friends?"

"Wear your sunglasses." I called getting out of the car. As soon as I stepped out the black car behind me sped away. I felt utterly alone. Alone and cold. How dreary a place this city was.

* * *

"You okay?" Asked Utakata as our car pulled up to the Cafe. He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

I nodded yes and pulled my hand away to put on large sunglasses. My style was simple. Black leggings, black heels, and a black jacket over a white tanktop. Nothing that stood out because the last thing I wanted was someone spotting me and causing trouble.

My secretary opened the door for the both of us and we climbed out. Utakata was dressed casually in a blue plaid shirt and skinny jeans and the same identity-hiding sunglasses. He took my hand as we walked into the cafe, promising to be done in an hour so I wouldn't miss the advertisement shoot.

It was hard to miss Naruto and Sakura sitting at a table in a corner. The rest of the Cafe was empty as requested by Utakata ahead of time.

To my surprise, Naruto and Sakura were far from alone.

Hinata, Itachi, Sai, Shikamaru, Deidara, Hidan, Kankuro, Sasori, Konan and Pein were all sitting around three tables pulled together. Utakata game me a small reassuring smile when I hesitated and I made my way forward.

Naruto saw me first. He seemed confused by something because his eyebrows drew together. Soon every face in the group was on us, all of them reacting differently. I raised a hand in a wave. "Yo. Been a while."

Removing my sunglasses so I could better see, recognition flashed in their eyes. Naruto was the first to speak.

"Holly shit." He stood up as I walked over. "Look at you!"

"Naruto!" Sakura scolded.

I rolled my eyes. Same old Naruto. He gave me a big hug. The kind where you were picked up with the force. "It's been forever! I couldn't notice you! Five years. I was afraid you'd cancel on me AGAIN." He grinned.

I nodded. "You've grown up too. I like your hair longer. Very handsome."

He smiled sheepishly. "You think so?"

Utakata and I took a seat at the table.

"It's nice to see everyone's well. Wasn't expecting such a crowd." I said.

"When we heard you didn't cancel this time everyone wanted to see you. It's not the same just watching you on the telly." Said Sakura. "Though when you did that last movie with Utakata... I forgot it was even you!"

"Sometimes it's hard to recognize myself." I said lightly. "Anyways, what has everyone been up to?"

Naruto spoke up first. "I'm part of a law firm now with Sai. Making so much money I can afford to eat ramen every night!"

"Yes. Naruto seems to always eat alone." Smiled Sai.

"Eh? What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing. It's no surprise you don't have a girl, being dickless."

"What was that bastard?" Naruto growled.

Sai continued to smile. "Ino prefers to cook me dinner at her house."

"I am still working on my medical." Said Sakura, drowning out the two boys. "I'm an intern at Konoha Hospital now."

"The little ladies good." Hidan grinned. "Went in last week."

"Gang fight?" I asked.

He looked confused. "Why would you think that?"

I hesitated, not sure. It just sounded familiar for some reason. Like words someone had spoken in a dream.

"Because he works as a bouncer at a bar, he comes in a lot. People like to pick fights." Giggled Sakura.

Hidan smirked. "Bastards can't judge right!"

I glanced at Hinata, waiting for her to speak. "U-um I'm running the Hyuuga Corps. W-with help of course. It's going very well."

I smiled. "Good job. You surpassed Neji then?" I asked. Everyone thought he would take over the company.

When the room grew quiet I knew something was amiss. "Hm?"

Hinata would not look up from her napkin. Finally Shikamaru spoke. "Four years ago Neji's car was hit when he was driving Naruto and Hinata home. We didn't know you hadn't been informed..."

I put a hand over my mouth. "He... is he alright?"

"He didn't make it." Whispered Hinata. "He was supposed to take over the company. Not me. The d-doctors said that when the car was hit, he shielded Naruto and I. He saved us."

"He's still alive." Naruto said firmly, placing a thumb over his heart. "Here."

Nobody had the heart to speak. I mulled it over in my mind. Another person lost. Who would have thought it would be Neji? Of corse nobody had informed me. I was unreachable. Still to think that not even through the rumor mills. I hadn't known the older hyuuga well but he had always been there. To think he was gone so suddenly...

Utakata brought me back to the world by wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

I shook my head. "You will have to take me to pay homage Hinata. I'm sure he'd be very proud of you though. You've come far."

I wouldn't cry. I hadn't done such a shamefull thing for years. Utakata squeezed my shoulder. I tried to lighten the mood.

"You're on vacation Shikamaru, right?" I asked the spiky kid. "I read about your success with the new nuclear plant. They said it only took you two years to finish your masters while working full-time."

Shikamaru leaned back in his chair and sighed. "Yes. Troublesome. Things are going well. Bought a house for the wife."

I blinked. "Wife?"

"You didn't see the wedding invite did you?" Shikamaru regarded me with a sigh. "Figures."

"Someone else sorts our mail for us." Explained Utakata. "It was probably thrown out before it got to us. Sometimes our secretaries are careless."

"Secretaries? Making it big I see. This bastard knocked my sister up so they had to tie the knot. Or so he says." Said Kankuro, slapping Shikamaru on the back.

I smiled. "Didn't see that one coming. Temari's awfully spirited for a guy like you Shikamaru. Perhaps that's why it works. Anyone else have some little ones on the way?"

Pein and Konan shifted under my gaze.

"Hm?" I nudged Konan.

"Not yet." Said Pein. "We're waiting until I am finished with my masters."

I nodded. "Sorry I couldn't make it to the wedding."

"It is okay." Said Konan. "We understand you must be very busy. We received your gift though. Very thoughtful."

I smiled, hoping she wouldn't ask me if I remembered what it was. I'd left the responsibility of thinking up a good wedding gift to my secretary.

Deidara nudged Sasori. "Me and my man here are running an art shop. It's the best one in town."

"Yes. We save money on labor because we both spend all our time there." Said Sasori.

"Sasori's there about twelve hours a day. That's what happens when you don't have a girl hmm?" Deidara teased.

"Wanna die?" Offered Sasori.

I hid a laugh. Those two hadn't changed.

The only one who had yet to speak was Itachi. I gave him a curious look. "How have you been, Itachi?"

"Well. The company is easy to run with such excellent models as you two. Though we wish you would come back full time Utakata. We were afraid when Zena acted in your last movie that she'd leave us as well. We are revealed you chose to stay Zena."

Utakata chuckled. "The movies pay more. I still fit in shoots when I can."

"His fame has brought about more problems than it's worth." I said. "Was it last week Utakata? At the restaurant?"

Utakata let out a breath of air. "I got a chunk of hair pulled out. Girls can be fiesty."

The group laughed at his expense.

"How about you?" Asked Sakura. "We haven't heard from you in years! Tell us everything!"

I shrugged. "Well I got busy with shoots. I finally gained a Demon rank, in the top nine of the world. It's kept me more than busy. My last contract expired so I just signed with CK."

"When exactly did you two start dating?" Asked Konan.

I laughed. "Well according to the media our anniversary is, oh what was it..."

"January second, four years ago. We hooked up at that gala remember?" He reminded.

"Ah right. But are you sure it was a gala? I thought we were seen at a temple kissing?" I said.

"But despite what the media says we aren't dating." Said Utakata.

"You're not? But you look a lot like you are." Sakura pointed out.

I shrugged. "I'm not supposed to tell you this but-"

"I'm dating a girl who lives here in Konoha. Her name is Hotaru."

They exchanged looks.

"It's complicated." I explained. "It has to remain a secret because according to the media we're dating. But she's a sweet girl. Only nineteen. Utakata took her on as an apprentice. Of course She had to chase him down."

"And you?" Asked Ino.

"I've kept myself distracted."

Pein cleared his throat. "Have you heard from _him_ lately?"

The table went deathly silent. Deidara and Sasori even stopped fighting.

I don't know how I knew who he was talking about so fast. Utakata gave my leg a squeeze and I forced that fake smile on my face. The one I perfected for work. "Not for five years. How is he?"

"Well. Sabaku has become the worlds ninth most expensive brand since he took over." He said. "I saw Gaara about a week ago. He's busy with his en-"

"Are you ready to order?" Asked Kankuro loudly. "We waited for you. Ahhh man I'm so hungry!"

I regarded him with suspicion.

"Ah yeah. Waiter!" Sakura loudly ushered someone over. "We're ready now!"

Utakata shrugged. They must have figured Gaara was a sensitive topic. It was. We hadn't spoken since July fifteenth five years ago. Not since... well I didn't want to think about it.

Everyone ordered in turn, finally getting to Utakata and I.

"Two waters. Three lemons in one." said Utakata, ordering for the both of us.

"That's all you're getting?" Naruto asked, confused.

I nodded. "I'm on a liquid Diet."

"But why? You're so thin!" Sakura protested. "Coming from a nurse it isn't very healthy. You must be near the double digits."

I took her words as a compliment. "It takes a lot to be at the top."

"Still... you look so different." She said, eyeing me over.

I had changed a bit. In the five years we departed I grew my hair out longer, dropped fifteen pounds, gained an inch and a half in height, and I suppose the most dramatic change was inside.

"I think I'm better this way." I said calmly, not letting my defensive stance reveal itself.

The waiter arrived, placing the drinks in front of us. The I picked up my glass of water and then set it down. I sighed. "How many lemons are in this?" I asked the waiter.

I could smell the sweat on his skin. Disgusting. I swished the water around and glanced up when he didn't answer at first.

"T-two ma'am."

Utakata motioned to the cup with his free hand. "Did I not request three?"

"You did. I'm sorry. I'll bring another lemon slice right away."

"Remake it." Said Utakata.

The table was quiet, watching the boy nervously take the glass away.

Naruto rubbed the back of his head. "You coulda just took another one."

I gave him a curious smirk. "Is it not the duty of the inferior to please the superiors?"

He didn't respond but I could see in his eyes that he was surprised. And he didn't agree.

But they let the matter slide. We shared stories and mostly I just listened. None of my stories were that great even in my head. It was actually really nice to be back in this environment. It was like old times. Like I had never left. It couldn't last but for now I'd allow myself to be happy.

Finally the time came when Utakata and I had to leave. Naruto stopped me. "How long will you be in town?"

"Well because I just signed a contract with CK, probably months. Utakata's returning in a week or two or perhaps even more to work on his newest movie but I'll be staying in the hotel suite until it's time to return home."

"You can't!" Protested Naruto. "You can stay with me! It'll be cheaper than a hotel."

I shook my head. "I can't intrude like that. Besides you're so messy Naruto!"

"Am not! Tell her I'm not Sakura!"

"He is." She sighed.

"Naruto may not work, but you can stay with us." Said Konan with a smile.

I shook my head. "I can't."

"We have a spare room." Pein said.

Utakata gave a nod of encouragement.

"No really, cost is no problem for me. And I am very high maintenance."

"Are you sure?" Asked Konan.

" Positive. Thank you anyways." I smiled.

Utakata glanced down at his phone. "It's getting late Zena."

"Ah right. Sorry to leave so soon. I've got another appointment. Oh, but here let me exchange numbers with you all, er..." I opened my phone. My contact list was full. "Utakata I'm deleting your number so I can have room."

"You don't have it memorized though do you?" He smiled.

"Never needed to. You're always with me."

We exchanged numbers and as I stood Konan picked up her purse. "We should get going too. Pein has a five o'clock class at the University."

I said my goodbye's and paid the tab and walked outside with them. Before they climbed into their car I stopped Konan. "Hey Konan, You wouldn't happen to be staying in a house by the ocean up north would you?"

She gave me a confused look. "No. Pein and I are renting a house in town."

I nodded and let her leave. As they drove off I felt troubled. So they didn't live by the ocean where it rained all the time. Hidan wasn't in prison. Itachi and Sasuke were still single. Shikamaru didn't sound like he lived in the country with his wife. Nothing was as Gaara had predicted five years ago. Somehow that made my heart ache.


	2. Changed Hearts

"What is this?" I spat as the car pulled up. "Who booked this job for me?"

"Tobirama requested it ma'am." Said my secretary carefully.

I looked up from the window of the car to a towering skyscraper. Utakata was silent beside me. Both he and my secretary regarded me like I was a doll to break at anything above a whisper.

"I refuse. Hand me my phone Utakata. I'll call Tobirama myself." I held out my hand.

"Zena you can't refuse at this point. This is a high paying job. Please reconsider." He grabbed my hand. "It won't be bad."

I glared at him. "No. I refuse. I will not step inside that building."

Utakata frowned. "Stop acting spoiled."

"I can act spoiled if I want to! I won't do it!" My voice was breaking. I felt like a cornered dog. "Give me my phone."

"Look at this with a calm mind. What is wrong with this job? They want you to be the new face of the company. It's a good contract. Think of the money."

I gritted my teeth. "This is where... it's his company..."

Utakata pulled against my hand and wrapped two thin but strong arms around me. "I know it might be hard. But what are the chances of you running into him? This is a large company. You will be working in the advertisement division. He is probably somewhere else stuck behind a desk."

I swallowed and gripped his shirt. "Come with me."

"I can't, you know that." He said.

I pulled back slowly. "I can't then." I knew he had another appointment himself but I wanted to be selfish.

"You can. It's been five years."

I took a deep breath. "Fine."

He gave me a smile. "You're already running late."

I nodded and stepped outside of the car. A man in a black suit was waiting with his hands behind his back.

"Miss Utakata?" He bowed.

I slipped on my sunglasses and sighed. "Yes."

"Welcome to Sabaku corporation." He said. "I'll be showing you today. First we have some paperwo-"

"I know the deal." I strode past him. How many times had I done this? How could it feel so foreign now, walking into the vast building. Knowing that he was quite possibly a dozen floors above me? I felt the weight of it crushing the breath out of me. Would I be able to work in these conditions?

Was Gaara even aware I was here? Or had he forgotten my name by now? Five years was enough for any normal person to move on.

* * *

"We look forward to working with you. We have already made contact with your attendant. Tomorrow at six in the morning I will send someone to retrieve you for the first shoot." A woman in a contrast dress was saying.

I nodded absently, wanting to escape the building. We stepped inside an elevator and she pressed a button. "They told me you had never been to our corporation before. I'll show you around the necessary parts so you do not get lost. We will be seeing much of you now right?"

I tried to remember the name of the annoying girl. She was someone important. A director of the advertisement division. I couldn't afford to offend her by refusing her offer. It was a smart idea anyways. I'd much rather know my way around the building than risk getting lost. Especially when there was a chance of running into _him._

The woman showed me around the advertising floor. She introduced me to several important people. The chief operating officer, two members on the board of directors, Senior Vice President of Operations of the vacation resorts. She showed me the floors of the highest members of network and television consumer products, Interactive media, and slowly it dawned on me just how great this company was. How many employee's they must have. Dozens of divisions each with their own chains of command all leading up to one powerful man on the top.

I was intimidated.

"And this is the lunch floor. We have a small cafe for breaks." Said the woman as she led us into a cafe that was anything but small.

"But do the employees not prefer to get away from work on their breaks?" I asked.

"Ah no! On the contrary, as you can see, this is a very popular spot. Every since Gaara Sabaku took over the company he's encouraged a family like atmosphere. It can be hard in a company this size, which is why he created a cafe and only one in the entire building. We find that the more time we spend together like a family, the better we work."

I glanced around the building. So Gaara was responsible for all of this? The place was very crowded but now that I looked I saw that everyone got along. I saw superior Vice presidents greeting common workers. It didn't feel like a first tier company but like a family owned restaurant.

"He did well, didn't he?"

"I've been with the company for thirty years. I'll admit I was skeptical at first to have someone so young run the company, but I was proven wrong. He's a dozen times better than any officer we've ever had before." She spoke proudly.

I nodded, that made sense. "Get me some mineral water." I said, then remembered I couldn't offend her and added, "Please."

The woman nodded. "Right away."

I stood against a counter. By now a few people were noticing me. Some just stared but others were bolder. A pretty young girl approached.

"U-um sorry are you..." She hesitated.

"Zena Ukitake. And you are?" I smiled.

The girl lit up. "My name's Matsuri! I don't know if you remember me! We went to school together!"

I studied her face. Brown hair, short, but pretty. I remembered her alright. "Yes. We did didn't we?"

She looked excited that I'd recognized her. "I'm glad you remembered Ma'am. It's been so long. I saw you're latest movie with Mister Utakata! It was amazing. I watched it four times before it even came out on DVD!"

I let out a laugh and then leaned down to whisper in her ear. "What's up with the formalities? Why don't you just call me slut or bitch like you used to. Ne? Matsuri-chan?"

She looked like she'd been slapped in the face. I stood back up and crossed my arms. Others were coming over to speak now. It felt good to put her in that place. I knew it wasn't fair of me. Matsuri hadn't been the one to call me those things. She never participated in the game of 'make Zena feel like shit' But she'd never stopped it either. There was a rush from causing her pain that I loved though.

"I- that wasn't..."

"Don't worry. You're so far below me now nothing you say could offend me. A lion doesn't listen to the squeaking of a rat." I smirked. People were getting to close to say anything else. I put an elegant smile on my face. "I'm so glad to hear you liked my movie. If it wasn't for the fans I wouldn't be here."

Before Matsuri could think of anything to say she was ushered to the side by others eager to shake hands and talk with me. I indulged in the compliments and greetings. I expressed how happy I was to work with the company and how much of an honor it was. All the bullshit you had to give.

Then I glanced over and Matsuri was gone. What a pity I couldn't play with her more. I closed my eyes and sighed.

But when I opened them, directly in my line of sight was someone else.

From across the room through a sea of people I could see the door to the Cafe open. I could see red hair peer through a crowd of his own as he entered.

I stopped laughing and smiling with those around me. I didn't see them or hear them anymore.

Gaara was in the same room as me.

I shouldn't have been able to recognize him. He was so different. His hair was an inch longer. His eyes were still sea green but not nearly as dark. He was taller I could tell. His shoulders broader and completely filling out his black suit. But the most pressing and obvious difference was his eyes.

He looked at a coworker who was speaking and then laughed. His laughter was low but rich. He was smiling and joking and I could tell that he was happy. Happier than I had ever seen him. There wasn't a trace of his gangster high school self. No sadness or hate. He was truly... happy.

Happier than he had ever been with me. I guess I expected that if I ever saw him again he'd be miserable That he'd have torn himself up over our breakup and his heart would still be just as broken and empty as mine. I thought he'd be regretting his decision to end things.

But it was now obvious just how foolish that was. Of course after five years he would be over it. We were twenty three now.

I couldn't do this. I wanted to run away. I never though I would run into him. I never wanted to see him again. He was a relic of the past. I wanted to erase him from my memories and I'd tried so hard to do just that.

But I couldn't run away now, not with so many watching me. I turned and smiled to someone speaking to me. "Excuse me." I said.

No, If Gaara could be so happy and over it all, so could I. I wanted to show him that I was as happy as he was. I was living a fairy tale life of the rich and famous. I walked forward through the parting crowd. I chose every step carefully. Like I was on the runway. I wanted it to seem natural, smooth, like a commercial shoot.

Gaara turned and his eyes swept over the crowd past me. Then his whole body froze and they locked back onto mine.

I forced it out, that perfect commercial smile. Utakata was the only one that could see past it.

Gaara wasn't smiling anymore.

I closed the difference between us, and the crowd moved in anticipation. I stopped feet from him. "Long time no see. Gaara."

He slowly nodded. "Zena." He seemed at a loss for just what to say. I was glad I approached him first, lest our positions been reversed and I'd look like a fool.

"Nice company you've got here." I smirked.

He nodded. "Nice of you to stop by."

I shook my head. "You didn't know? Your advertising department decided I'd make a good face for your company."

It seemed all he could do of late was nod. "They did..."

So he hadn't been told ahead of time? I was glad to catch him off guard. So he may be over me but he was still surprised to see me. That made me feel good. It made me want to push things further. "How have you been? It's been so long. We should catch up."

Perhaps now I was being cruel. I was pretending to an unnatural point.

"I have been well. Busy. How have you been?"

I opened my mouth to brag about something made up but before the words could come out I was rudely uninterrupted.

"Gaara!" Someone cheered from behind him. We both looked behind him. I was more than a little annoyed.

"Sari." He nodded.

I felt a vain twitch. Sari?

A girl with long hair, just as pretty as Matsuri, walked up to Gaara's side with a small bag in front of her. "I brought you lunch from-"

she stopped talking when she saw me. Her grin grew wide. "Oh it can't be! Zena! Zena Ukitake?"

Testily I nodded. Did she remember me as Matsuri had?

Sari raised a hand. "Oh gosh it's so good to meet you. I'm Sari! I'm a huge fan of your work! I love the movie you did with Utakata. You two are dating right? Are you going to act again? My friend and I saw the movie a dozen times! We even have the lines memorized. Oh I wish I had something for you to sign!"

I was surprised. It seemed she didn't remember me from high school Was I that easy to forget back then? I chuckled. I couldn't tease her as I had Matsuri with so many people around. Glancing at Gaara quickly and then back to the girl I nodded. "Yes. We're dating. He's trying to get me to act again with him but, modeling is more my passion Who knows though. If it would help his career I'd be willing to do another movie. After all for the one you love, you'd do just about anything ne?" I forced a giggle.

Gaara put a hand on Sari's shoulder. "Calm down." He gave his own smile.

"Do you work here?" I asked Sari with so much sweetness to my voice it made me thirsty.

She nodded eagerly. "I do. I heard they hired you but it's so different to see you in real life."

"She's my secretary." Said Gaara.

Sari puffed out her lips. "Don't be so cold babe!" She hugged onto his arm. "I even brought you a sweet steamed bun! It's red bean! You have to be nice to me."

My smile faltered for a brief second. Babe? Bringing him lunch?

"I'm his Fiance." Sari smiled proudly.

I could't smile back. I could't even pretend I was okay with this. "Red bean Gaara? I thought you didn't like things so sweet."

Gaara nodded. "My tastes have changed."

"I can see that." I smirked. We weren't talking about his food choices anymore.

It grew awkward between us. Sari began asking questions on how we knew each other I wanted to answer that. It was the perfect time to crush her little fantasy. To make her remember the names she'd called me. To remind her that Gaara was mine first. I was trying coming up with the best way to say the most hateful thing in the sweetest way to her.

Gaara beat me to it.

"We had a class together at the university." Said Gaara. "Before fame separated us we were lab partners."

My mouth opened in shock. Lab partners? Not even friends? Just lab partners? Was that all.

We had never officially dated, but it was an understanding that we were more than lab partners.

I didn't know how to react to that or what to say. He was lying obviously. Did he not want anyone to know? Was he ashamed to have dated me? Was I a relic he wished to erase as well? A bad choice he made?

Now it made sense. He must have been glad when we broke it off and I never again contacted him. He was probably relieved. It was a forced, painful relationship anyways.

I thought up until that point that we had been in love with each other, but I was wrong. So clearly wrong.

Only I was in love. And what had that love done? It made it so now, even five years later, I was stuck speechless in front of him. I knew I had to recover! I had to put that happy face back on and let them know it was fine. I wasn't bothered by his lie. It was so hard.

A collection of murmurs and gasps filled the room. First I was conceited enough to think they noticed my response and were thinking horrible things. Thinking that I was after another girls man. They knew I was hurt by his response.

"Zena."

Cold washed over me, bringing me back to life. A hand was on my shoulder. I looked up and instantly was able to relax. "Uta."

He scanned the couple in front of us, taking time to acknowledge Sari's grip on Gaara.

"Utakata, I don't think you've met Gaara and his Fiance Sari have you?"

"Gaara. Long time no see."

"Y-you know both of them?" Sari asked Gaara.

"Yes. It's as you said Gaara. I was your lab partner but so was Utakata, wasn't he?" I smirked.

Utakata narrowed his eyes. He was catching on and he was angry.

"You were taking too long. I grew concerned." He said. "You have a habit of getting lost."

Silence spread

Sari was the first to speak. "So it's true! You really are dating. You make such a cute couple."

I laughed. "Thank you. I think so too."

Utakata kissed my cheek, causing a collection of ooh's and aw's to run through the room.

"It seems Gaara is eating sweets now. He's changed hm?" I asked Utakata.

Utakata nodded. "Interesting. I'm not as different as you Gaara. I'm still in love with sour things. Same as five years ago." He rubbed my shoulder.

"Well as lovely as this meeting was, I'm afraid we've got to get back to our hotel. Maybe I'll see you around, working together and all." I smirked. "Oh, and it was nice to meet you. Sari."

Utakata and I walked as fast as we could out of the building We didn't say anything the entire way, but he never took his arm from around my shoulder. Even when we were in the car we rode in silence and up to our hotel sweet.

I felt cold. Pretending to be fine was harder than it had ever been before. It was physically taxing. If Utakata hadn't intervened when he had, I might have had a serious problem. I had been dangerously close to rudely bolting away.

I sank into the bed, leaning against the headboard. "I'm cold." I said.

Utakata crawled beside me and wrapped his arm back around me. "I didn't think this would happen. I shouldn't have made you go."

My eyes closed. Sari and Gaara. I never thought that would happen. I turned and pressed my palm against Utakata's chest. "I don't want to think about it."

He nodded.

The distance between us closed. I kissed him. "Help me forget." I demanded

Utakata didn't protest. His held me lightly at first, but slowly his grip tightened. I turned, leaning over him and looked down into his yellow eyes. So different than Gaara's. Utakata let out a breath of air and his hands traveled up my stomach, helping my shirt off. He ran his fingers over my ribs. I grabbed his hands and helped him remove his top as well.

"I want to forget everything." I whispered into his neck between kisses.

It was wrong. Sinful and lustful. It reminded me so much of a man I used to know. Madara. The embraces were similar. But I had found that Utakata had the power to erase the worries. If only for the hour before we drifted off to sleep.

It was an accident the first time, something that was only supposed to happen once. But I found that sleeping was the hardest part. The hours before my body would fall into the nightmares I would be left awake with all the pain flashing through my mind. Images of my lost loves. Thoughts of what I should have done differently. Regret. Pain. Loneliness. It was too much.

But when Utakata was with me at night, he was able to make it go away. Warm my blood and erase all the worries So no matter how wrong it was and even if it hurt Utakata in the long run, I selfishly demanded he help me. And he had never refused.

"You're rather cruel." He whispered into my ear.

I nodded. He had told me so often before. "Whatever keeps me alive."

His words carried weight. I knew I was cruel. I was selfish. I knew I was hurting him in the long run but as I had told him, I'd do whatever was necessary to keep me alive.


	3. The Life We Could Have Had

I woke in the same position I had fallen asleep in, curled up besides Utakata. I rolled over and pressed my face into his chest. For just a moment I wanted to feel someone else's warmth. I wanted to feel needed and loved. Selfish indulges that during the day I wouldn't allow myself to ever feel. Just when I lay with Utakata.

He opened his eyes and we shared a long moment just staring at one another. He opened his mouth to say something but shut it.

"What time is it?" I asked.

He glanced over my shoulder. "Six. You're being picked up soon right?"

I nodded and rolled onto my back, kicking the sheets off. "I'll shower first." I said but did not move.

Utakata reached over and ran a finger across my stomach. I tensed at the tickling touch.

"You should eat this morning." He advised. "You're friend with the pink hair was right. You're too close to the double digits."

"Only five more pounds to go." I said proudly.

He did not share my elation. "If you loose too much you won't be able to fill out the underwear for CK."

"Shove off." I pushed his hand away and sat up out of bed. I heard him sigh in exasperation at my attitude. I worked hard to keep my body like it was. It was anything but easy. I slipped into a short white robe, not bothering to close it. Modesty wasn't something Utakata or I had at this point.

He slipped on a pair of boxers and followed me into the kitchen. While he was making coffee I dug through a suitcase until I found a cigarette. Taking a seat at the bar I lit it up.

"Make me a cup." I said.

He nodded.

I took a deep breath, letting smoke filly my lungs. I used to think Smoking was a disgusting, unhealthy habit. I used to think a lot of things.

"Hm, did you see the new Magazine?" I asked. "Tobirama gave it to me yesterday. That last editorial of us."

"I never saw the finished product." He admitted.

I walked back to my purse, pulling a rolled up thick magazine out. "It came with a free poster of us." I laughed.

He raised an eyebrow. "That I've got to see."

I started to flip through pages, finding the fold-out poster and the rest of the shoots when someone banged on the door.

"Isn't it a little early for housekeeping." I grumbled. The pounding continued. If I didn't know better I'd think it was Naruto on the other side.

Utakata walked to the door and peered through the hole. "Shit."

I raised an eyebrow. What could make Utakata say that?

My question was answered seconds later. "Uta! I hear you! Open up!"

He rubbed the back of his head and opened the door. In a moment he was on his back, a blonde girl with long wavy hair sat on his chest. "Uta! I knew you wouldn't come see me even though you were in town." She glared.

"I'm here for work." He mumbled. "It's only six Hotaru."

"I missed you." She smiled sheepishly, bending down and placing a kiss on his lips.

I looked away from the site. "Close the door would you, I don't want a bellboy with a loud mouth seeing this."

She seemed to just now notice my presence. "Zena! You're here too?"

"Have you ever seen us apart?" I motioned to Utakata.

She scrunched up her nose at the site of my cigarette. "Ah, right..."

Utakata stood with Hataru clinging to his side.

"It's been a while Utakata. I missed you. You should have stopped by yesterday."

"I told you I'd come by today didn't I? You couldn't wait until I saw Zena off to her shoot?" Utakata looked annoyed. But I knew he wasn't. The slight blush on his cheek spoke that much. He was very happy.

I slammed the magazine down. "Great timing Hotaru. I was just about to show Utakata the final results of our editorial. Do you want to see it?"

She nodded. "Oh yeah. Everything you guys do is so good."

Utakata sent me a look. I pretended I didn't know what he meant by it and flipped the page. The first two pages had singles of me and Utakata, introducing us. Then we had group pairings. Couple poses. The theme was an outdoor autumn look of golden and red hues. And little clothing.

I got to the best part, the poster. "This is my favorite." I handed it over to Utakata. "Look. What they wrote is interesting too."

"We can look later. Shouldn't you be showering." Asked Utakata.

I shook my head no. I wanted to see Hotaru's reaction. It was like looking at Gaara. Imagining how he must have felt. He was always looking at pictures of Utakata and I and having to deal with it. Now Hotaru had that same pressure on her shoulders. To see how far she would go for Utakata. If she really even loved him. Or was her love only as shallow as Gaara's had been for me?

Hotaru shook her head. "Come on I wanna see. You embarrassed?" She teased Utakata.

Utakata hesitated and unfolded the picture.

It was a picture of him and me. There were no clothes, just natural contact. We hid eachothers nudity in a tight standing hug. He had that look of love and so did I. In large printed letters it read:

"The love that kept them smiling through the hardest of times." I laughed. "Funny the things they come up with isn't it?"

I stood and pulled on my robes. "I should shower. It isn't appropriate being naked in front of guests. I'd say you should do the same Utakata, but she's your girlfriend, she'd probably seen it all before ne?"

Then I glanced at Hotaru. Her eyes swept briefly over me and then away with a small blush. She seemed troubled for a moment and I wonder if she'd make the accusation that would be true. If she'd be able to guess what was going on.

Hotaru disappointing me by looking back up with a sheepish grin. "Ah it's fine! I mean I see it all the time with the pictures you two take! I'm almost as used to seeing you naked as Utakata is I'm sure." She laughed.

I stamped out my cigarette harder than necessary. "Yeah. Utakata don't wait up for me. I'm a big girl. I can find my way out to the parking lot by myself."

He nodded yes. I could tell he wasn't happy with me. Utakata could always see through me.

I didn't know why it bothered me, seeing Hotaru and Utakata. It wasn't a jealousy over their relationship. Not really. I just disliked seeing her so happy with him. For some reason I wanted to make her cry. Like I wanted to make Matsuri cry.

I sank down until I was sitting on the shower floor, letting the water erase it all.

My peace wasn't going to last. The door to the bathroom opened with a bang. "Zena."

I ignored the voice.

"Zena get out. I sent Hotaru ahead. We need to talk."

I still ignored him.

He opened the door to the shower. I looked up at him. "If you want to join me you could have just asked."

"You're done showering. We need to talk."

I rolled my eyes. "Bossy today aren't we? First I need to eat, then I need to stop showering?"

He shut off the water and grabbed my wrist. I didn't fight him and got out of the shower. I yanked my wrist from his grasp. "Alright." I mumbled. I grabbed a towel. "What do you want?"

"You can't do stuff like that in front of Hotaru." He said.

"Like what? Those pictures? It's nothing she hasn't seen before." I started to dry my hair.

"You know what I mean." He frowned. "Flaunting it. Think Zena. You know that can't feel good."

"So what? She needs to put up with it. You're a model. You're fake dating me." I said.

Utakata put a hand on my shoulder and spun me to face him. "You're doing it on purpose."

"So what? Like I said she needs to put up with it. If she really loves you she'll put up with it. If she runs away because it's to much to take that just means she doesn't really love you doesn't it? If pictures of us together is too much for her her love's too shallow!"

Utakata's face softened. "Is that how you look at what happened between Gaara and you?"

I tensed. "Don't mention his name in front of me."

"You can't keep running away Zena. You need to face it. Gaara didn't love you as much as you loved him. It's nothing to be ashamed of. In every relationship one person loves the other more."

That stung. It felt like he slapped me. He may not have meant it as an insult but it made me mad. So terribly mad that he'd bring it up.

"And with you and Hotaru it's obviously her that loves you more." I hissed back.

He narrowed his eyes in surprise. "Why?"

"Because if you really loved her would you be fucking other women? What you don't want her to feel uneasy about us? She should feel uneasy." I narrowed my eyes.

Utakata didn't know what to say to that. He looked as hurt as I felt. "You're cruel Zena."

"But you're the same as me huh? We're two cruel people in this fucked up world. Don't you get it Utakata? We have to be cruel! If we don't destroy everyone else they'll destroy us! That's how it fucking works!"

I heard the slap before I felt it across my cheek. Shocked, I looked back up at Utakata.

He had never looked at me like that before. He had never raised a hand against me even when I deserved it.

"Snap out of it Zena. This isn't you. I'll let it slide this time, since you saw him yesterday. I'm going to say it's just the emotions of being back in this town. But get it together."

He spun around and left me there, leaning against the counter. I sighed. He was right. I couldn't show him that side of me.

* * *

That day the shoot went without incident. I went to CK afterwards and arranged the time for my first commercial Then I returned to the suite. It was empty despite being eight. I wondered if Utakata would come back or if he was still so angry he would stay over at Hotaru's.

I couldn't blame him.

But he did return later.

I walked into the main room of the suite to greet him. I put on the appropriate shame face.

He sighed when he saw me.

"About this morning." I started.

"I went to far." He said.

"Me too."

He put a hand on my shoulder and gave me a hug. Just like that it was back to normal. "I don't like fighting with you."

"Yeah." I agreed, hugging him back.

"Any incident?"

I shook my head. "No. Looks like as long as I request all the shoots be away from the headquarters it will be fine."

Utakata looked relieved. "I'm glad. I don't like how much he upsets you still."

I couldn't agree more.

My cellphone rang. Naruto was calling. I hesitated before answering. "Zena Speaking."

"Zeeeeeena!" Someone yelled through the other side. "Zena are you free tomorrow?"

"Of course not." I sighed. "Why?"

"Eh! Well make some time! Tomorrow at eight Itachi is hosting a party for our graduating classmates. It was supposed to be next month but since you're here we changed the date."

I sighed. "What type of party?"

"He rented out Ichi Ichi Night Club. You should bring Utakata! It'll be off the hook!"

I chuckled. "Don't try to talk gangster Naruto."

"But you'll be there right? You'll be there yeah?"

I could hear the hope in his voice. He only made it worse by saying that they moved the date just for me. I sighed in defeat.

"GREAT!" Naruto yelled. "Remember! Eight at Ichi Ichi Night Club."

I rubbed the back of my head and shut my phone. "He talked so loud you probably heard all that right?" I asked.

Utakata nodded, amused.

"Will you join me?"

He shook his head. "I promised Hotaru I'd go to a dinner with her. She pulled the lonely orphan card. I couldn't refuse."

I forced myself to relax. I couldn't make him mad by acting annoyed. Not after this morning. "I see. I'll be fine by myself. All lame and dateless but fine."

He laughed. "You'll never be lame."

To that I rolled my eyes. "Let's go to bed."

For the first time I saw him hesitate.

"Utakata?"

He shook out of whatever he was thinking and took my hand, following me into the room.


	4. Killer Memories

For some reason I felt a great need to impress my old classmates. To rub it in their face what I had become. I was done with work by four, but I spent the rest of the day shopping for a good, revealing, and slutty dress. I got my hair done at a saloon, did the makeup myself, and then as soon as I got home I tried to tone it down. I didn't want to look like I was actually trying.

The dress I chose was a pale blue and gray and rather tight even for me. I laid down to squeeze into it, and took it as an insult. Apparently if a size 1 was tight on me I needed to loose more weight. I stood in front of the mirror, judging every inch of my body.

It didn't stack up to what I thought it should be. I adjusted my bra, pulling my boobs up more. They weren't as big as they used to be. A side effect of loosing weight.

I tossed my hair, touched up my lips, and applied another coat of Mascara. To think that I used to have trouble applying it. To think Eye Liner was a foreign concept to me. Things changed. People changed.

Finally satisfied I called my secretary. I didn't want to be seen driving myself there. I wanted to show off after all.

At 8:15 she arrived. I made her wait half an hour before we left. That way at exactly 9 I arrived at the club. I didn't want to be the first one there.

It was dark. The clanking of heels on the ground was drowned out by the loud music in the club. I walked slowly in. The bouncer didn't even speak to me. Once inside I saw just how many people were there. I recognized most of them. Only about half of them seemed to remember I went to school with them.

"ZENA!"

I turned around to see Naruto running up to me.

"It's so loud in here!" I yelled back.

He grabbed my hand and dragged me through the crowd and through a door. It was quieter in here without music, though you could still hear from the other room. I glanced around. There was a bartender serving drinks. I sat up on the chair.

"What can I get the pretty lady." He asked.

"Club soda." I said.

"You're not drinking?" Asked Naruto, sitting beside me.

"Nah. Too many calories." I said.

"Crazy." He shook his head.

"Oh. my. God. It really is you."

I spun my stood around to face Temari and Shikamaru. "I didn't think you'd show up."

I laughed. "Five years and this is all you can say?"

She laughed. "I missed you."

I hugged her back. "I never thought you'd settle for a guy like Shikamaru."

Shikamaru grumbled a complaint.

"What can I say, he's rich." She winked.

"Like you have a problem with money." I rolled my eyes.

Shikamaru gave me a look. "You can't imagine the problem she has with money. I can't make it fast enough."

"Hey." Temari protested. "I spend it wisely."

I laughed. "Like those shoes?" I pointed to a pair of clearly designer heels.

She grinned. "Good shoes will take you good places."

"You heard that off a drama." Said Kankura, coming up besides his sister with a drink in hand.

"It was nice seeing you Zena! You look great. Don't leave without getting a chance to talk to me. We outta catch up!" Said Temari as she started to drag Shikamaru away. "Shika let's dance."

I laughed and looked around again. The door opened and Ino filed in with Choji. I nodded to them, waiting for them to register me. When they did I had to go through the steps of formalities again before finally they left.

"No the puppets are much, much more important for our business." Sasori was saying as he approached Naruto and Kankuro and I. "Don't you agree Kankuro?"

"Eh! Don't ask him. Come on bro the fireworks bring in more revenue hn." Said Deidara.

"Only during festivals." Sasori said.

"Zena which it better, stupid dolls or an explosion?" He asked animatedly.

"Puppets." Said Kankuro.

"An explosion." I said at the same time.

"See Zena agrees with me. I win bro."

"What? Kankuro agreed with me."

"Zena's pretty, her vote counts more."

"Hey!" Said Kankuro. "What have looks to do with it."

Naruto and I laughed at the three of them. I took a sip of the clear liquid and Naruto took a shot of a not so innocent drink. "That much hasn't changed I guess." He said.

I nodded. "Is Sakura here?"

He frowned. "She's out there dancing with Sasuke-teme."

I laughed. "I thought you guys weren't rivals anymore."

"As long as the bastards alive I'll be his rival." He pouted.

I laughed. "You love him hm?"

He shook his head in disgust. I took that as a yes. They definitely still had that brotherly bond. I was glad.

"Ah, I'll go get Pein and Konan. They wanted to see you." Naruto hopped up. "Don't move!"

I nodded and let him go, drowning out the sound of the art trio and focusing on the carbonated water. I felt out of place.

"I thought you'd try to sneak up on me again." Someone whispered, helping himself to a seat beside me.

I flinched away and then relaxed. "A joke isn't as funny the second time around." I shrugged.

Gaara waved the bartender over and asked for something hard.

"I thought you'd prefer a fruity drink, with your new taste and all." I took a sip.

"I thought you'd be drunk by now, with your new attitude and all." He returned.

Those around us were quiet now. Kankuro and Sasori and Deidara seemed to just notice the pair in front of them, and it was clearly making them uncomfortable.

"Well played." I took a drink. I didn't imagine Gaara would be there. I needed to stay calm.

We sat in silence. Naruto burst the door open, dragging Konan and Pein behind him.

"Hey Zena-" He slowed down when he saw Gaara next to me, growing more cautious.

I turned around. "Konan, Pein."

"Hey. Where's Utakata?" Asked Konan. "I thought he'd show up."

I shook my head. "He had a dinner with Hotaru."

Naruto narrowed his eyes in deep thought. "Hotaru... hotaru... oh! That's his real girlfriend right?" He asked.

I rubbed the side of my face. Gaara looked up at me in amusement.

Fuck.

"I thought you were dating him." Gaara said.

"No that's just pretend. Oh, but don't tell anyone." Grinned Naruto. "It's a secret."

I sighed, embarrassed Of course Naruto would open his big mouth. The one person I wanted to believe that rumor was Gaara. I could tell from his gaze he was making fun of me.

"Pein, Naruto, I need help finding my Earing." Said Konan.

"Eh, why would I help you l- OW!" Naruto grunted.

Did they really think I wanted alone time with Gaara? I looked over to see them disappearing, then glanced at Kankuro to warn him that he better stay, only to realize that he was already gone. Gaara and I were alone.

"So. Fake relationship?"

I shrugged. "Couldn't tell you the other day. Too many people."

Gaara took a sip of his drink. "I see. How's work."

"Busy. You?"

"Yeah." He stirred the drink.

I raised a hand for the bartender to come over. "Get me something strong." I mumbled. I would need a drink to get through this.

He nodded. "Anything for the lady."

"So." I started. "Getting married huh? How long you guys been engaged?"

"Three months. We started dating four years ago." He said.

I slowly nodded. So only a year after we broke up. He was able to move on that fast? A year from our breakup he was dating other women and where had I been? I was at that point unable to do anything without Utakata by my side. I was a wreck. I still was a wreck.

"Congrats." I mumbled.

"You got a real guy?" Asked Gaara.

"Why would I bother with something like that?" I asked. "Trouble. Nobody could put up with what Utakata and I do."

"And what exactly do you two do?"

I chuckled. "Well, it's not exactly any of your business is it?"

He shrugged in response. "Sounds like you're doing good."

I waited until the alcohol arrived, downing it and asking for another, before responding.

"I am. I'm happy now." I lied. Another drink came which I let enter my body just like the first. How long had it been since I'd last had a drink?

"I'm happier now than I can ever remember being. Life's finally got a purpose. I have a dream and people I care about. I can't think of anything more I'd ever want!" I said too enthusiastically.

I forced myself to laugh. The door opened again and this time Hidan entered. I took my third drink, downed it, and stood up. "Hidan." I hollered.

He glanced over, not having the courtesy to hide where he was looking. "Yo, looking good."

"Dance with me." I ordered.

He wrapped an arm around my waste. "Don't have to tell me twice princess."

I didn't look back at Gaara and slipped through the door onto the club floor. I danced with Hidan. Closer than I should have. I let him touch more than I should have. But I didn't care. At that moment Utakata was with Hotaru. There wasn't anything wrong with me dancing with Hidan. He was attractive and fit. Sure he probably slept around but what did it matter?

Gaara kept on popping back into my mind. I brought myself closer to Hidan. "So, you're off work tonight?"

He smirked. "No bouncer duties."

He spun me around, holding my body tightly against his, his mouth close to my ear. I wondered what people thought of me, dancing with Hidan like this. The old me never would have done something so irresponsible.

Maybe I could blame it on the alcohol I didn't weigh much and I hadn't ate in so long that I was probably the biggest lightweight there. I could blame it on the alcohol It was partially due to that. The more time that went by the more I felt my conscience fading.

"It's never cool to be the last ones at a club." Hidan said.

"I never thought I'd be able to agree with you." I purred back. I could smell alcohol on his breath, same as mine.

He took my hand and we started to back out of the club. We made it onto the street before someone stopped us.

"Miss Ukitake!"

I spun around to see my secretary standing there with the car.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"I'm to drive you home, remember?"

I rolled my eyes. "You can drive right Hidan."

He stumbled over flat ground. "Tch, of course."

On second thought it probably wasn't a good idea.

"Actually you are of use. You can drive us." I ordered my secretary.

She shook her head. "No Ma'am. That isn't a good idea."

I glared. "Why the fuck not?"

"You can't be acting so careless. Please get in the car. I will drive you back to the hotel."

"Hotel. We could make that work." Hidan wrapped his hands around me.

I laughed. "You hear him. Utakata is probably out all night tonight. Come on."

"No." She said.

I glared. "Excuse me?"

"I can't. My job is to make sure you're taken care of and safe. This isn't a good idea. Think about your reputation. Please. If people saw this man and you together..."

Even in my drunken state, I knew she was right. I crossed my arms. "Whatever. Hidan, I'll take a rain check."

Hidan let out a groan. "Fine. You better pay up later princess." He winked.

I sent him stumbling back into the nightclub with a wink.

My secretary sighed. "Thank you Ma'am. Now please get in the car."

I glanced back at the club. From the window I saw a flash of red. What was I thinking to come back to this place? Why was I here? I shouldn't have ever gone out. Once again I'd seen Gaara. Once again I had to go through this pain.

I shrugged my jacket on. "shove off." I ordered.

"Ma'am, come on. Please."

"No. I may be buzzed but I'm sober enough to fire you."

"W-what?" She took a step back in shock.

"You heard me. You're fired." I glared. "You can hand in your stuff to Utakata tomorrow."

She swallowed. "Come now, you're drunk surely y-"

"Do I look so intoxicated I can't make decisions?" I hissed. "I said you're fired. Don't argue with me."

Her eyes were wide, teary, and afraid. "Ma'am if you fire me I'll be blacklisted. I'm a single mom. You met my boy. I can't afford to loose my job. However I've offended you I'll make it up. I promise it won't happen again."

My eyes hardened. "None of that is my problem." I spat.

I turned around, ignoring her completely. I'd walk home if I had to. I knew this town well enough. Even tipsy I could do it. I was angry, hurt, lonely, confused. All these negative emotions that only one person could cause me.

Gaara.

I clenched my fists and walked through the town. My heels started to hurt so I took them off. It was dark, nobody recognized me. For that I was glad.

Then it started to rain. I didn't stop walking. My feet carried me past a Starbucks a doughnut shop, down and alley and where I ended up, wasn't the hotel.

I stared at the large apartment complex. Then slowly I stepped forward, up a flight of stairs until I was standing in front of room . I stood on my tip toes and felt above the door frame. My hand caught dust and then eventually a small metal object. I pulled the key down.

So it was still there. But in five years they probably changed the lock.

To my surprise it opened. The door creaked as it hadn't been opened in such a long time. I never asked what happened to the place. I figured they had it cleaned and rented out to someone else.

I felt around for a switch. A light flickered on with effort.

Everything was the same.

There was still a blanket on the couch. The TV remote was still on the kitchen table. A seashell wind chime hung over the sink. The bedroom doors were shut. I couldn't bring myself to go inside them.

I took a dazed step forward and flinched when I stepped on something. I looked down.

A dog puppet with peeling paint looked up at me. I swallowed. I shouldn't have come. I took a step back and another and then I ran, the key in my hand. I ran so fast away from that place and all the emotions that I tripped going down the steps. I let out a yelp, prepared for the worst.

Someone caught me.

I looked up into green eyes.


	5. Nothing is as it Should Have Been

Gaara looked shock to see me, but not nearly surprised as I was. I pushed myself away from him. I couldn't let him touch me.

I swallowed and fought to regain myself. I couldn't do it.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

Gaara looked up at the apartment building. "I was... driving by, I saw you." He said.

"Why would you stop your car and get out just cause you saw me." I asked.

"I was worried."

I narrowed my eyes, crossing my arms. "What right do you have to be worried?"

"Zena come on." He frowned. "You know why. We dated once. We were friends. I still like you as a friend. There's no reason to be bitter like this."

I laughed. "Well I don't like you as a friend. We were never _meant_ to be friends. We were't friends to begin with. We weren't ever even lovers. Not really. You were right Gaara. Lab partners was the extent of it all."

"I only said that because I did not want Sari to feel insecure."

I huffed. "You and Utakata both, going on and on about how you don't want your precious girlfriends to feel insecure about me. What a fucking joke."

"It isn't a joke." He said.

I pushed past him roughly. "Yeah it is. It's a hilarious one too! See if they loved you Gaara they wouldn't feel insecure!"

He walked after me. "Zena you're drunk."

"I'm not fucking drunk." I spat. "I'll tell you the same thing I told Utakata. If someone's love is so skinny that they'll break up with you over you being friends with a guy, they never really loved you did they?"

I took pleasure in the way Gaara froze.

"You know that girl Utakata is dating? They've been dating for years. She puts up with me being all over her man. I'll admit I probably flaunt around her a little more than is necessary. But she takes it. Because that's how much she loves him. She's pretty fucking cool huh?"

"You're... still upset? You're not over it?" He looked at me with a mixed expression of guilt and disbelief. "It's been five years Zena..."

I took a deep breath. "Yeah. Pathetic huh? I'm bitter that you're dating a bitch like Sari."

Gaara narrowed his eyes. "You can say whatever you want about me but don't speak about Sari that way. She's a nice girl. Don't take your bitterness out on her."

I had so much I wanted to scream at him. So much violence was pent up. He completely brushed off my confession of not being over what we'd had. Instead all he heard was the second part. He defended her. He really did like her enough to defend her. Why didn't he defend me when I was getting called names by her then? He must love her more than he ever cared for me. I wanted to tell him all of this but there weren't enough words.

"YOU LIED TO ME!" I cried, spinning around to face him. "That's what I'm most angry about!"

"Lied to you?" he looked shocked.

"You told me that Pein and Konan would have a house up north. You said the Neji would be married to Tenten! You said Hidan and Kisame would be in prison and Sasori and Deidara would be dating and Temari would still be living at home. And you said we would be married living in the city and in five years you would have fallen in love with me. You would have loved me as much as I loved you!" I yelled.

He didn't know what to say.

"But none of that came true. None of it. Not a single fucking part!" I laughed, looking up into the falling rain.

Gaara reached out for me and I moved away. "No. Just go Gaara. I can't do this."

"I'll drive you home." He said.

"No. Please leave."

Gaara let his hand drop. "How can I leave you here like this? Why can't we just be friends?"

"Just because."

I closed my eyes and rubbed my palm, remembering all the times he'd kissed it and told me I was his. Coming back to this town I was forced to face the fact. I would never be his. Zakari was dead. I was nothing more than a pretty face with an ugly soul.

Gaara rubbed his forehead. "I can't leave you here. At least call someone."

I shot him a glare for acting like this. For caring. I hated it.

"Fine." I spat, picking up my phone.

But who to call? I just fired my secretary. I had nobody I wanted to see in this situation. Well the answer was pretty obvious. I dialed a number and in two rings someone picked it up.

"Are you alright?" The voice asked.

"Love how you assume something's wrong Utakata." I frowned.

"Where are you?"

I hesitated, glancing at Gaara. "In front of our old apartments. I ran into trouble."

"Trouble?" Asked Utakata.

"Yeah. I know you're busy with Hotaru but c-"

"I'll be over. Don't move."

The call ended and I tucked the phone into my pocket. "Happy?" I shot.

Gaara nodded.

I crossed my arms. "You can leave now."

He shook his head. "You're nearly drunk. Knowing you you'll get into trouble."

"When have I ever gotten into trouble?" I took offense.

He gave me a look. "Remember the incident in the alley when I had to save you? I was always rushing in and saving you from something or other."

I sighed. "You were good at playing the hero."

"I was." He agreed in what I thought was too cocky a manner.

"You're success rate was high." I gave him that much. "You only failed once."

The amused smirk was wiped from his face and replaced by hurt. It was obvious he thought I was doing this on purpose. On the contrary I had meant that as a compliment, not to bring up painful reminders of the one time he didn't make it in time to protect me. That wasn't his fault. If anyone was to blame it was Sakon and Ukon or even I.

"I didn't mean it like that." I sighed. "I meant that you, you weren't a bad boyfriend. Sari is lucky."

He relaxed his facial muscled. "Thank you." He whispered. He didn't return the compliment. I didn't deserve it. I'd been a terrible girlfriend.

While I was feeling sentimental I added: "And sorry. For yelling at you. I'm just..."

"Tipsy?" He offered to spare me.

Slowly I nodded. "I don't think we could be friends, but we shouldn't be enemies."

"So we'll be nothing?" He asked.

"Yeah. Acquaintances. Business partners. 'Lab Partners'"

The screech of a car traveling too fast for the city streets reached our ears. We turned to see Utakata driving down the road. I'd long gotten used to the way he sped, but Gaara had a look of horror on his face.

I laughed. "Looks like my ride's here."

Utakata spun the car around, parking it on the side of the road and jumping out before he had time to turn it off. He took quick, brisks strides up to me.

I raised a hand in greeting. "Yo."

He regarded Gaara with fierce suspicion. "You're alright?" He asked me.

"Of course." I said.

He took my hand. "You're cold."

"It's raining." I pointed out.

He did not look relieved. "Wait in the car?"

"Eh?"

One look from him had me walking. I didn't want to piss him off again so soon. But what business he would have with Gaara after all this time? I didn't know. And from the car it was impossible to hear.

* * *

**No POV**

Utakata's eyes followed Zena back to the car and he only turned back to face Gaara when the door shut. Gaara stood a meter away with his arms crossed, looking like he could care less what Utakata had to say.

Utakata may have looked unhappy when Zena was beside him, but with his back turned to her he allowed his face to melt into a glare, directed at the younger man.

"Stay away." He warned.

Gaara raised a nonexistent eyebrow. "From?"

"From Zena. I don't know what sort of fantasies you may have, but you two cannot be friends."

Gaara narrowed his eyes. "Excuse me?"

Utakata clenched his fists together inside his pockets, straining to think of a way to make Gaara understand. "If you ever cared for her, stay away out of respect for the relationship you once had. If you see her in public ignore her. Don't approach her. Don't let her approach you. Avoid her like a life depends on it."

"Why should I do that?"

"Because whether you're able to see it or not, a life does depend on it."

Gaara remained quiet and waited for Utakata to continue, his attention caught.

Utakata glanced back at Zena. She had her head against the window, probably trying to drift asleep after the alcohol "Zena may now seem stronger than she was before. But she isn't."

"She seems plenty fine. Just seconds ago she was screaming at me."

Utakata let out a frustrated sigh. "You don't know anything about her. She's the type to get caught up in false hope."

"False hope... of what...?"

"Of you two. Five years and she hasn't forgotten. She may say she's over it. She may even think she's over it. But she's not. She never received closure. Not with your relationship being over and not with Zakari's death. Her coming back to this town is important. She needs to see that everything is over. She can finally get her closure and move on. But if you show her any kindness, any attention, she won't be able to."

"I don't think you give her enough credit Utakata. I know Zena. She isn't like that. She's stronger now than she was before."

"You _knew_ her." Corrected Utakata. "Right now nobody knows her better than me. I've seen every side of her. I was there when she was suffering. When you were off chasing after other girls I was helping her shower and walk. While you were getting engaged and making business deals I was coaxing her to eat something, which by the way she still won't do. _I_ was the one who helped her forget you. If anyone knows what is best for her, it's me."

Gaara grew defensive. "You've only ever been a friend to her. I've been more. I know more sides of her."

Utakata threw his head back and let out a cold laugh. "Is that what you think? You think you're the only one who's been more than a friend to her? How do you think I helped- no, how I _help_ her forget you?"

Gaara's eyes flickered from Utakata to the car. Utakata sensed his victory. "That's right Gaara. You must not be too dim, running a company. Try to use that brain now. Out of respect for the past, don't hurt her. You did enough of that five years ago."

That mental blow was too much for Gaara to respond to. Utakata bowed. "I'll leave first. I hope to never see you again."

* * *

**-Zena's POV-**

Gaara was still standing there when Utakata got inside. Our eyes met. Then he looked away. I didn't. I continued to watch as the car sped off.

"You okay?" Asked Utakata.

"Wanna know the truth?" I tried to laugh.

He shook his head and placed his hand on my leg. "I know."

And he did know. If anyone knew it would be him. Utakata was the only one who ever understood me.

"What did you say to him?" I asked.

"Wanna know the truth?"

I shook my head. "I probably don't."


	6. Another Chance at Love?

It wouldn't be long until I was forced to see Gaara again. Only a week passed when I was called in to see the final result of the pictures I took for their clothing add. Not only was I called in, but they sent me straight up to Gaara's office.

He probably bent the rules himself. I knew he'd do something like that. But why? Could he possibly... still be interested? No. I couldn't think like that. Of course he only wanted to remain friends because we would be seeing so much of each other.

And now that I was sober I realized that he had been right. I couldn't avoid and hate him because of our past. He never did anything wrong. Yes he broke up with me but I had caused that. I was to blame completely. So holding a grudge on him would have no merit at all.

I entered his office after knocking. He was there with an array of photo's across his desk. Sitting to the side was, to my annoyance, Sari.

She smiled when she saw me. "Zena! Your ad is done. It's so good! You look so pretty!" she gushed.

I didn't want to hear that from her. I waited for Gaara to speak. He looked up from his desk with the same blank expression he used to regard strangers. That hurt a little.

"They are finished, but I hope the next ones are better." he said.

Sari stopped smiling. "Babe?"

I walked up to the desk and looked at the photo's. They were just like all my others. I thought they looked fine. "What needs to be improved on?"

"Your body for one. They did a horrible job photoshopping it. Your smile is fake, it doesn't reach your eyes. I don't buy it and neither will the consumers."

Ouch. I almost winced. To be told my body wasn't good enough... what did he mean? did I need to loose weight? I hated to hear that but it was criticism I could take. If Gaara said it wasn't good enough, it probably wasn't. I could spend a little extra time at the gym. "Fine... I'll do better. Sir."

His lips twitched. "I'm glad you understand. Ma'am."

Oh that was how he wanted to play it? "Of course. Mr. Sabaku. If you say it then surely it must be in accordance."

"You must grant an amnesty to my transgression. I hope I did not offend you."

"Thou did no such thing my good man."

"If the lady is sure. I would not wish my sins be harbored secretly."

I couldn't help it. Gaara and I both lost our composure at the same time, chuckling lightly. For a second we were teenagers again. Innocent, carefree, and happy.

Sari was confused. She rubbed her shoulder and laughed nervously, which made me stop. This was between Gaara and I, not her.

Gaara snapped back to it as well and cleared his throat. "Well, that's all I wanted to say. You're dismissed Zena."

I bowed. "Thank you. I'll improve my work."

Before I could leave he called out to me. "Next Monday at seven we are having a small banquet. Will you attend? Utakata is invited as well of course."

"I'll be there." I promised, unsure why I'd done so. It was too late to take back my words. I'd have to get Utakata to come as well.

* * *

It was harder than I thought to get Utakata to agree to come with me. But finally he relented when I swore to go by myself otherwise. We arrived both of us dressed to impress. I wore a long red dress that, though floor length, had so many slits in the top that it hardly covered anything. Utakata was on my arm in a handsome suit.

We were greeted by a few people in the business we knew, and continued to meet and make new acquaintances. It was really a business move in the end. My eyes kept glancing about, looking for Gaara.

When I saw him he was looking so breathtakingly handsome my heart ached to be by his side. Instead of me, it was a rude awakening to see a very pretty Sari clinging to him. She looked so happy.

I wanted to destroy that.

"Zena?" Utakata asked.

Recognizing that such dark thoughts were unlike me, I shook them off and tried to steer us away from an approaching Gaara.

I wasn't fast enough.

"Zena." Gaara greeted us. "Utakata."

"It is a lovely party Gaara. I am impressed." I said.

"Thank you. You look... nice."

His compliment made my stomach do a flip. "Same." I said.

Awkwardly we stood together until Sari began badgering him to get a drink with her. I found my eyes following them. Why? Why couldn't that be me? Why did I have to fuck everything up? It should have been me next to him. I should be the one asking him to get me something to drink and picking out wedding colors and kissing him. He should be coming home to me every night.

"Zena, it's getting late." Utakata whispered.

He didn't need to hear a response from me. I was clutching his arm so tight he'd gotten the hint. I needed to leave lest I do something stupid.

Like get my hopes further up. I couldn't stand to be so close to Gaara. It made me realize something painful. Five years later and I was still hopelessly, foolishly, and madly in love with him.

"You okay?" Utakata asked once we were inside the car.

I couldn't answer. Not until we were back in our hotel.

"I'll shower first." He said.

I reached out for his sleeve.

"Zena?"

"Don't leave me alone." I whispered.

He wrapped his arms around me. I sank into them like I had a million times before. So warm, comfortable, familiar. He made me feel safe and wanted. I clutched his suit tight. "I want to forget."

When he didn't make the first move or respond I reached to unbutton his jacket. A hand shot out to stop me. "We... shouldn't." He said.

I looked up in shock. That was the first time he ever said or did that. He never protested or argued. I frowned. "I'm cold. My blood's cold Utakata. Please. I can't remember. It hurts. I need to forget."

He hesitated only a second longer before giving in and reaching to unzip my dress. He slipped it off my shoulders and kissed my neck. "You're too cruel." He whispered like a ritual.

Oh, how I knew that to be true.

* * *

My shoot ended a little earlier than planned due to a malfunction, so I was able to drive around the city, seeing what had remained the same and what had changed. The fountain Gaara and I met at on Christmas eve was still there. So was the park. And the building where we would loiter on the roof. I found myself stopping the car there and walking up to the top.

It was empty of course, but so much different during the day. I sat in the spot we would have sat in and leaned against the wall. It was pretty up here even in the day. It had been our spot. Wrapping my hands around my knees I sat down. When I closed my eyes, I could imagine Gaara right next to me.

I promised myself this was just a moment of weakness But, Gaara had been so nice to me lately. He seemed like he was going out of his way to see me. Was there any chance for us perhaps? Maybe if something went wrong with him and Sari?

I couldn't think like that. I stayed put for a few more minutes and decided it was time to leave.

When I turned to go, I noticed a marking on the silver door. In black pen faded and half erased by time it read:

_I love you_

It was so simple, and I couldn't ever know who really left it, but it was as powerful a thing as I'd ever read.

My world started spinning. I gasped for air, trying to keep calm. Harder and harder my breathing became until I couldn't get another breath in. I leaned against the door and I only knew one thing. I had to leave, run, get away. I couldn't face this.

I stumbled down the stairs and out into the parking lot. The fresh air wasn't doing anything for me. Shaking, I was unable to open my car door. I leaned against it and gritted my teeth as hard as I could.

"I love you." I whispered. It crashed down on my chest with the weight of the world and made it impossible to breathe. I loved him. I loved him so fucking much but he was taken by another girl. How could you love someone so much it hurt to breath, to move? That you felt like you would die from the pain of it.

Slowly the panic drained and my heart returned to a more normal state. I slid into my car and made sure I was okay before I took off. Getting in a wreck wouldn't be a great start to the day. I should go back to the hotel. Utakata was probably there. He could make me feel better.

But I didn't want to face him yet. He'd been off all morning. When I woke up he was already dressed and saying he had someone to go see. And he wasn't willing to look me in the eyes. He seemed really upset with me this time.

So I stopped by my favorite little cafe. With sunglasses and my hair up nobody recognized me. At the counter I ordered a latte, then turned to sit. But Blue hair stopped me. I waved with surprise to Konan.

"This is sudden, seeing you here." I laughed.

She nodded and placed her order for a blended drink. "It is. Are you on a lunch break?"

"No, off for the day you?"

"Same." she nodded. "Do you have time to sit together?"

"No. I demand we sit apart." I teased. "You come here often?"

"Only on special occasions. Gaara said it was your favorite so I shouldn't be surprised, running into you here."

We walked together to a table. I smiled. "G-Gaara said that huh?"

She nodded. "Yes. He said it was your favorite cafe, but he always complained how you took Utakata here more than him."

"He did? He never complained to me."

"It was hard to get him to shut up about you back then." Konan laughed. "But he talked about it so much I decided to try the coffee here."

"Best in town." I said.

"Yes." She agreed.

We sat silently and sipped our drinks. "You still talk to Gaara a lot?"

"Yes. Pein and him have remained good friends even after the gang split up. Have you seen him lately?"

"Yes. I seem to run into him more than normal for such a big town. I'm always bumping into him at the company. Doesn't help that we have mutual friends. Not that I mind. We decided to be business partners. Not friends or enemies. Better this way."

Konan was silent, her face saying that she was debating something. The waiter bringing cups shook us out of our trance.

She stared at the steam on her cup for a while. Then, finally she gave me a very serious look. "I can tell you still like him. But, Zena, he's with Sari now. I'm not too fond of the girl I won't lie. But Gaara is sincere in his feelings for her. They're in love. He has the whole wedding planned out already."

I swirled the cup, erasing the design on the foam. "You think I'll try to interference?"

Konan gave a pained smile. "You've been through a lot Zena. I know that. This will only hurt everyone."

"I wouldn't act on it." I said. "Yeah I still love him but I'm not a homewrecker."

"Zena, you and Utakata, what do you call that? You can't tell me you two have nothing between you. I see the looks he gives you. For the camera and in person."

Her point became clear. I was in fact what they would call a homewrecker. Utakata and Hotaru was dating. Yet I was sleeping with him like nothing. I never felt like it was wrong. "That's... different."

"Why? Because he loves you? Because you love him?"

My eyes shot up. "I don't love him."

"Yes you do."

How could she know something like that? If anyone knew it would be me. And I was quite certain I was not in love with Utakata. "Konan I don't know why you'd think that."

She sat back. "He's been there for you hasn't he? He gives you everything you need. He spoils you. Even before, when you were dating Gaara, he went out of his way for you. Don't you think it's about time you gave him something in return?"

"Like what?" I spat. I didn't want my negative traits being exposed. I became defensive.

"Love Zena." Said Konan softly, putting a hand over mine.

I looked away. "He has Hotaru."

"He likes her, I won't doubt that, but he _loves_ you."

"Where are you going with this?"

"I'm just saying that maybe it would be best if you try to really move on with another guy. I think that you love Utakata but you just can't see it."

I took her advise and did think on it. I loved Utakata? I knew I loved him as a friend. He was the closest person to me. Something more? I had a small crush on him seven years ago. Perhaps there was more love for him than just of a friend. But all this sadness and loneliness just overshadowed it. I couldn't see it if it was there. Not bright enough. And besides, how did you really know when you loved someone?

"And if you still think you don't love him, could you grow to love him?" Konan asked.

That did it. I pressed my forehead into my palm. "I... shit Konan. Why can't we just talk about shoes."

Konan laughed. "Sorry. I want you to be happy. You deserve it after all this time. And chasing after an engaged man won't bring you that."

I nodded. "Fuck. You're right. I hate it but you're right."

"Will you give Utakata a chance then?"

I sat back in my chair. "I should- no, I will. I really will." The more I thought on it the more my hopes got up. It had been so long since I felt this feeling. I felt like things might work out. I might be happy.

"I will. Thank you Konan. I- I feel like for the first time, things might work out. Thank you." I leaned over the table to get a hug, and fumbled for my purse.

Konan watched with a smile and waved me off, promising to make me pay for the next coffee meeting we had.

I jumped into my car and sped off, probably driving too fast the entire way. But I couldn't stop it. Why hadn't anyone pointed this out to me before? Why had I never given Utakata a chance? He was a clear choice. If Gaara could move on why couldn't I? I had every right to be happy.


	7. Hopes Crushed

"Utakata!" I hollered, running into the hotel. I slammed the door to the room open and didn't bother closing it behind me. "I've got something to tell you. Something fantastic. Something I've been to blind to see before but now I know."

Utakata was there, for the coffee pot was running. But, his stuff wasn't strewn all over the place anymore. Instead a suitcase lay on the bed, zipped and bulging full. My grin lessened.

"What is this?" I asked, slightly out of breath. "I thought you weren't leaving for three more days?"

Utakata walked into the room, pulling a jacket over his shoulders. He had shoes on already. "I thought I'd be gone before you returned." He said.

My heart skipped a beat. "A-are you going back home for a job?"

"No. I'm staying in Konoha. I won't be returning to our house in Kiri. I'm going to be staying with Hotaru." He sat on the bed. He looked exhausted.

His words couldn't be true. It was a joke. I came back early because I wanted to tell him how I felt. How I thought I could feel if I tried. "No! You can't."

"What are you doing?" He asked, getting up when I started to unzip the suitcase.

"You can't go." I shook my head. My fingers were shaking to bad to even get the case open. "Not now."

"When did you become so controlling?" He moved my hands from the suitcase.

"Since now. Please don't do this." I gripped them tight. I felt like a little girl again.

"I have to."

"No. Please just stay here. One more night."

"You know what will happen if I do." He pulled his hands from mine despite what I thought was a tight hold.

"What's wrong with that?" I asked, reaching for his arm.

"What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? Are you asking me that?"

"You never complained before. Why are you feeling guilty now. What did Hotaru say?"

"It's not that! It's not Hotaru! It's not guilt!"

"if its not her what is it?" I demanded.

"You. It's you Zena."

My world stopped spinning. "What?"

"I don't want to hurt you. But it's you. I can't do this. I can't stay one more night. I can't stay with you ever again."

I let go of him and stumbled back like I'd been slapped. I sank down onto the bed. This couldn't be happening. Utakata was the only constant in my life now. I couldn't let him go. "Why are you doing this so suddenly? It's stress right? It's just that you're tired."

"You're right. I'm tired. Tired of doing this. Tired of us. I can't keep holding on."

"You're... leaving me for good?"

I knew what he would say next from previous eperience. This was just like five years ago.

"I'm sorry. I think we need to break off this fake relationship. I'll come up with a good reasonable excuse don't worry about your name being tarnished."

"No." I whispered. No it couldn't be happening again. No he couldn't leave.

"If you ever had even an inkling of love for me, please do this. You need to let me go."

I did have love for him. I had a lot and he couldn't see that. Or perhaps he could but he knew that I always had much more love for Gaara.

"Why? Why do you have to leave me! Why can't we keep doing this?" I jumped up. I'd rather things just stay how they were than loose him completely.

"Because I'm hurting." He spun around and looked at me and I could see how true that was. I hadn't ever seen him like this.

"You- You're hurting?" I said. He was hurting?

"Yeah. And I think you realize it. You know how much I've loved you. God, I've loved you for seven years. Ever since we did that first shoot together. I've always loved you. I probably always will." Utakata ran a hand through his hair. "But I'm still in love with the old you. The old you never would have hurt me. You sleep with me and expect me to not get my hopes up? You're cruel. You toy with my heart, you act like you love me sometimes. But you don't. You're messing with my head and I can't handle it anymore."

This whole time I had only been concerned about myself. I had wallowed in self pity I never thought of others pain. I didn't think they could even feel it. Sometimes I wanted to cause pain to others. But never to Utakata. He was the only person I wanted to make happy.

"Uta-"

"No. I loved the _old_ you. I don't like _this_ you though. The person you've become... I don't even know you. You're bitter. The things you do aren't the actions of the person I loved. Hotaru is a good girl. She deserves someone who will be only hers."

"I'm sorry! I'll change. I'll do whatever it takes. Don't leave me! Please! I'll learn to love you. No! I might already! I'll love you and I'll make you happy I swear!"

It wouldn't work. No matter how much I begged. It hadn't worked with Gaara. I would have done anything back then. I would have killed myself if it meant he wouldn't break up with me. Just as right now, I felt the same.

"It has to be this way. Besides, no matter how hard you try, there's no room for me. You still love him. I thought if you saw him happy with another girl you'd be able to finally move on to me. But even then it was no use. I can't compete. You're soul mates. I've never seen two people so perfect for eachother."

"That... that's not..."

We both knew he was right. He reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder. He shook his head.

He closed his eyes and I did the same. His hand wound behind my head and his lips pressed against mine in a needy kiss that was more emotional than anything I'd received in my life. I could taste a mixture of our tears on my lips when he pulled away seconds later.

He didn't have to tell me. I understood that that kiss was not for the current me. It was a goodbye kiss to the old me.

"Goodbye Zena." He whispered.

When I opened my eyes he was gone.

* * *

I still had to go to work the next day, but I continued to make mistakes until finally they managed to get a decent shoot out of me and I was allowed to leave. I sat alone in the hotel suite. The bed felt so much bigger All day I'd hoped that maybe Utakata would call and say he'd changed his mind.

He didn't. I got a call from Tobirama. He demanded I look at the paper and online. Every headline seemed to be about me and Utakata. How we broke up but the reason was unknown. Rumors were spread but none of them true. Who would guess the real reason? 'Zena was a bitch and Utakata deserved better' would make a fabulous headline in my opinion.

A week later and the buzz was still all about that. My friends called asking me what was going on. Even Gaara offered his support. But I couldn't look at him.

Two week passed before I cracked and picked up the phone to call Utakata. I wasn't expecting him to pick up. He didn't. So I left a message.

"Hey... It's... me." I whispered into the phone. "You must not want to talk to me. I miss you. I really miss you. I hope things are going well with Hotaru. It will probably be another month until you guys can come out officially though right? You know, want the media to know you had a mourning period over me."

I was silent for a second "I miss you. I miss you so much Utakata. It's not the same. I want us to be friends but that won't ever happen will it?You were right, everything you said. I'm heartless and cruel. I never once thought of your feelings. You're better off without me."

"I hope that... you forget me. That you can be happy without me weighing you down. I know what It feels like to be so close to someone you love but unable to have them. I'm sorry. I'm sorry and thank you Utakata. Thank you for being there for me all that time. For helping me. For taking care of me when I was helpless. For driving me to shoots. For sticking up for me to drama teachers that were mad when I was late for plays. For getting me jobs. For giving me your coat when I was cold. For buying Zakari and I dinner. For showing me what true friendship was. For dragging me out of bed to go on runs.

"And most importantly, thank you... for loving me Utakata."

The phone beeped and I let it slip from my hands onto the bed. I curled up and hugged my knees. It was finally over. Utakata and I.

And I had no one left.


	8. The Tragedy of Growing Up

Of course, Utakata and I breaking up was a hot topic. My next interview was exclusively over this. A popular talk show host named Cee was interviewing me.

"You guys were together what? Four years?"

"Yes." I smiled.

"So it must hurt for it to be over right?"

I nodded. "It is painful Utakata was the perfect boyfriend. He was wonderful to me. After my little brother passed away-" Pause for the audience to let out sounds of sympathy "-he was there for me. He helped me get by. I was so useless. He'd have to help me dress and shower and eat. I was very mentally unstable."

"I can only imagine. You were dating at the time right?"

I shook my head. "No. Actually I was dating another man."

"Who?" Cee leaned in.

"Well can all all of you keep a secret?" I asked the audience.

They hollered a chorus of yes.

"I was dating a childhood friend. Well it's complicated. There was a boy I was friends with as a child. Then I moved away and years later we ended up in the same school together. Only, we didn't recognize each other."

"Oh wow. How did that work? Did you guys know it was love at first sight?"

I laughed. "No not at all. I was a street rat and he was a gangster. We hated each other."

"So how did you end up dating?"

"Well we discovered who we were later, and it all sort of fell into place. We were sort of like soul mates."

"But you broke up? Was it before the accident?"

I shook my head. "We actually broke up because my job was too stressful I wasn't spending any time with him and we were drifting apart. So he broke up with me. The morning of the accident actually."

Cee gasped. "You're kidding?! That must have been terrible."

"It was." I admitted. "He was my first love."

"And you never forget those. Have you ever thought of trying to reconcile with him?"

"No. I mean, I still love him. I don't think you ever stop loving someone. But we can't be together."

"Why not? I think you should give it a try. How about you guys?" Cee asked the audience.

They all agreed, shouting and clapping approval When the crowd died down Cee said with excitement. "We should call him on this show. Or take it to him."

I shook my head. "Oh gosh I'd die of embarrassment. See, he's engaged to someone else." I laughed.

"That's a hard one."

"And we're different people now."

"Well, maybe something will turn out right? You might turn into a modern day love classic."

I laughed. "No."

"If he was watching this, what would you want him to hear?"

I hesitated, almost forgetting I was on camera. "I'd want him to know that I wish him happiness in everything he does."

The crowd awe'd at that and Cee turned the conversation to my recent Calvin Klein contract and talked about the pressures of modeling.

When it was over I felt exhausted.

Gaara was still on my mind. Utakata was right. I was too in love with Gaara to see anyone else.

Gaara...

I sat in my car, thinking back to the words on the door.

I love you.

"Fuck." I mumbled. I did love him. I loved him so fucking much. And he kept on doing these things that gave me false hope. That made me think maybe he still liked me.

What if he did? Could I let it end like this? Could I really have these what ifs running through my head? I'd go crazy.

What if... I told him how I felt? What was the worst that could happen? Adrenaline rushed through my veins, giving me momentary courage. There was no harm in telling him. I had to try.

I couldn't let this story end just yet. I wanted to have a little hope before it was all extinguished.

This was my last chance for a happy ending. I threw the car into drive and sped off, heading for the Sabaku Headquarters.

I continued to push the top floor button over and over again until finally they opened and I stumbled out, forgetting how to balance in heels. Nobody stopped me from entering. I passed the empty secretary desk. The one with a bright Sari sign on it. I slammed the door open to his office. To Gaara's office.

He was there, his eyes wide upon seeing me.

I was out of breath but I couldn't let this stop me. "Gaara!" I panted.

"Zena." He stood from his desk.

"I... I..." I opened my eyes. I needed to see him for this.

"Zena you already heard? Word travels fast."

I hadn't seen Naruto, sitting on top of Gaara's desk with a big grin. I blinked. What were they talking about? Why was Naruto there?

Gaara frowned. "I was hoping that this hadn't spread through the whole company."

"Ah relax Gaara. Temari probably told her. Nobody wants Sari's news to get out." Said Naruto. "Your reputation of a clean cut guy is too important."

I froze. Sari's news? "Oh, that." I said, standing up. Why was I pretending to know?

"Yeah. God, a baby, how unexpected." Naruto rubbed his temples. "This will be a hassle."

My heart stopped.

A baby?

"Yes. I have to start looking for a new secretary." Gaara cleared his throat.

A baby?

"That's you're biggest concern? How are you gonna announce this to everyone? You can't exactly keep it a secret. And how about your feelings?" Pointed out Naruto.

"People will notice that she is in a hospital. And when the baby is born they will notice that it happened when we were dating." Gaara shuffled through the paperwork. "I'll have to think of a way to lessen it. Maybe get the media to not focus on her. Hire someone to hush it up. Feelings? Well it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Odd. I think that's because..."

He looked up and seemed to just remember that I was there. I didn't feel like it was. I felt numb. What had I been thinking? Of coming here and confessing my love? How stupid!

Of all the things I was, of all the things Utakata had taught me, I should know better. I was seriously thinking of trying to break up an engaged couple? A couple who was now having a baby? What sort of monster had I become?

Gaara loved Sari. She loved him. I held a hate for her because of how she acted when she was younger. People changed though! I had changed. Gaara had changed. Sari might have changed as well. She might be a really sweet person by now. I had no right and no place to judge.

I let out a laugh and rubbed the back of my head. "Yeah. Temari told me. I just wanted to rush over and say that, since we're trying to be acquaintances-not-quite-friends, I should be there for moral support. You know? It's a big thing that's happening after all! Why are you even working right now?"

Gaara didn't answer me. He had that calculative look on his face.

Was he trying to see if I was bothered? Trying to protect me from being hurt like a friend would? I appreciated it but it wasn't necessary.

Naruto hopped off the desk. "He's a workaholic even at a time like this."

I agreed with him.

"Oh, how are you doing since the Utakata thing? Konan says she's the one who told you to admit you loved him. She feels kind of bad." Asked Naruto teasingly.

"It's all good." I lied. Why didn't I have the heart to tell him the truth. "Konan made me see that I really did love him. And I needed to confess."

I was saying this more to look confident in front of Gaara. Why was I showing off?

"But it still didn't work out?" Naruto looked like he could pounce on me.

I shook my head. "Er, we talked and we decided that even though we both loved eachother, we loved different sides of eachother. It just wouldn't work out. And I didn't want Hotaru to get hurt. She's put up with a lot from me so I think she deserves this. In a few weeks he'll probably come out in the media dating her."

Naruto rubbed the back of his head. "I don't really get it. But maybe that's a good thing." He glanced at Gaara. "Maybe since Sa-"

"Yeah!" I interrupter him too enthusiastically. "I think it is good. Yesterday actually another model, his name's Ash, he told me he's liked me for a long time."

Naruto's face fell. "Huh?"

"He's pretty cute." I winked. "And he has the same interests as me. I'm thinking I'll just start over completely in love you know? Get a fresh start."

Naruto nodded. "Oh. So you're dating him?"

"A trial run I guess. But it's hush hush! Can't have the media thinking I'm over Utakata so fast." I was lying. I was lying through my teeth about all of it.

"That's true. Well it sounds like we're all getting everything figured out huh?" Naruto sounded disappointing.

"Yes." Said Gaara. He leaned back in his chair. "So you just came here for moral support as a friend?"

"Yeah. Why else would I come?" I asked. "I can't stay long though. I have an interview to go to."

Naruto was as quiet as Gaara. He glanced between us and then stared directly into my eyes.

"Are you okay thought? You seem a little down lately. You're weights changed." Asked Naruto with one of his rare serious expressions.

My weight had changed? Odd, I had been trying to loose weight since Gaara told me my body wasn't good enough. The number on the scale had been going down. But I did look bigger than ever. With dread I realized I was probably just loosing muscle into fat. That would explain it. I needed to spend some more time at the gym.

"I'm just tired." I said. "Busy you know. My diet's changed and stuff."

"It'll get better." He grinned.

"I know. Thanks. Really though, I'm fine." I grinned appreciatively.

As soon as I said that, it dawned on me.

I... I actually wasn't fine.

We were both lying.

Things weren't going to get better. That was the thing. When I was little and going through something I always knew that things would improve. I thought this feeling of hopelessness-no, this depression, would melt away. I would get over it. I thought it was my circumstances that caused the depression.

But it wasn't. How many times had I moved? How many things had changed? My circumstanced had changed again and again and yet this depression was constant. I knew I was damaged. I was broken.

And things weren't going to get better. People could in fact break. Growing up, I believed, meant you had to realize that. I'd seen people broken beyond repair. My mother for example. I just never thought I would be one of them.

But I was shattered. No matter what happened nothing would make things better. Not if Gaara ran to me confessing his love. Not if Utakata left Hotaru. Not if I became the richest person in the world.

Even if Zakari could somehow come back to life.

Not even then.

But I couldn't show that to Naruto. So I smiled and nodded and agreed. I put on another fake smile.

"Naruto, you're a really cool person. I just want to tell you that. You're going to go far. I believe in you." I said.

His grin lessened into a more modest and more sincere smile. Color coated his cheeks. "Thanks Zena. You too. You're strong."

I couldn't say anything to that. I didn't want to lie. I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. He was just as tall as I was. When did that happen?

He hugged me back. I didn't want to let go of him, but I had to.

"I'll see you soon right?" He asked.

I glanced away. "Yeah. Soon. I've gotta go. I can practically hear my ride honking for me. I hope the best for things between you and Sari Gaara."

Naruto laughed and rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah. Hope we didn't make you late."

I waved my hand. "Nah. The rich can afford to be late."

He found that funny.

Finally I drew my attention back to Gaara. I smiled at him, but only looked at his feet. "Nice seeing you. Later Gaara."

Gaara didn't say goodbye to me. I waited for it. Of all the people I wanted to hear a goodbye from it was him. But he didn't say it. I turned around. That was fitting.

That small childish part of me, the one still straining to see any light to this world, had a vision of him stopping me. Of him asking what was really wrong and demanding I tell him. Of course he didn't do that. He let me walk. Out of the building. To the car. And then I drove off.

There was no use glancing back. There was nothing to see.

"Everything alright miss?" Asked an employee in the car garage.

"Soon... it will be." I whispered. I just had to hold out a little longer. Just a little longer. "Very soon."


	9. Covergirl

I threw myself into work after that. I didn't make time to see a single friend. Nobody heard from me. I was either with CK or in another city or country altogether. I never went back to see Utakata. He never tried to talk to me. at first Konan tried to visit me, but after realizing I was never there she gave up and stopped calling me. Naruto was the only one who still tried to convince me to go out. I always had an excuse though.

I couldn't even look at my own magazines anymore. In several of them I saw pictures of Gaara. I knew they were going to be talking about the baby and the engagement and stuff. And I couldn't bear to read that. So whenever someone came up to me saying: "Did you hear about the Sabaku head?" I'd just tell them yes and that I wasn't interested.

Two months later I found myself back in Konoha for a runway show. After it was finished I was supposed to return to the hotel to sleep. But sitting in the lobby was Tobirama.

It had been a while since I saw him. "Tobi. Long time no see."

He nodded. "I saw your latest editorials. I need to talk to you."

Something told me there wasn't something right here. Tobirama left me alone now, figuring I had the business down. He only emailed me my schedule and let me do the rest. I took a seat with him in the now-abandoned lobby.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He set a magazine down. "I'll be honest with you. You're work quality has gone down."

My heart skipped. I'd thrown everything into my work! Why hadn't it been enough? I was trying to loose more weight, eating better, going to more shows and trying all the beauty products and tricks I knew. "What part? My acting? My skills? Did I mess up a show? My attitude? Or is it my body? I bet it's by body."

He nodded. "You're right. It's your body Zena."

That stung. So I wasn't doing enough? I rubbed my wrists. I needed to cut back more? "I... I'm sorry I'll do better." I sighed.

"When was the last time you ate?" He asked.

I turned red. "Y-yesterday I had some almonds. I'm trying! I won't eat as much. I'll spend more time at the gym or-"

"That's the problem Zena." He looked into my eyes. "Look at this article."

I glanced down. There was me, standing in a bikini on the beach. Nothing looked wrong to me. It was a paparazzi shot nothing more.

But below it my breath caught.

"Super Skinny Models! A call for reform!" it read.

"What is this?" I asked.

"It seems that people are beginning to believe that models are too thin. You've been made a covergirl for their cause. They want reform. They want models who are healthy, not Anorexic." Tobirama shut the magazine.

"I don't get it."

"You're too thin Zena. You've lost too much weight. Calvin Klein released a statement that they are going to change to models size 2-4 rather than 0-2. And you don't even fit into that category anymore do you?"

I swallowed. "But I'm not that thin."

"You are. You're sick Zena. I don't know if it's the breakup that drove you to this or the stress, but perhaps you should take a break." He said. He was gentle but firm.

I shook my head. "I'm fine. I'm not that thin. I don't get why they're doing this. Those photo's must be Photoshopped."

"No, Zena. I'm suspending you." Said Tobi.

"You can't do that!" I stood. He couldn't take away the only thing keeping me going. My distraction.

"I have to. Until you get back in the hundreds at least. You're killing yourself like this. It isn't beautiful. It's unhealthy."

"I'm.. I'm a hundred pounds." I lied. "There's no reason t-"

"Don't you lie to me." Said Tobi. "I've been doing this for too many years to be fooled. You're not in the hundreds."

I sat back down. "Please Tobi..."

"No. Until you start eating again you're suspended."

He left. I sat back down on the couch in shock. What was I going to do now? I couldn't loose my distraction.


	10. Loneliness Claims a Life

I returned to the hotel after Tobi put me on suspension. I felt foreign in my own body. In front of the mirror I stripped. I looked so... different. My cheeks were sunken in. I didn't look fat, but, as I pinched my stomach I could feel it. It wasn't that I was fat it was that I HAD fat. I wanted to get rid of it.

But this was the cause of my problem. Now I had nothing to do. I had nowhere to be and no one to see. I sat down on the bed still in only my underwear and stared up at the ceiling. I didn't want to do this anymore. I felt so terribly tired. I wanted to sleep.

I opened the drawer in the nightstand. Prescription sleeping pills that I'd been taking for a while. A bottle nearly full. A glass of water was next to them. I shook the bottle, staring at the contents. Then I set it down, not feeling like even doing that.

I couldn't describe this empty feeling inside of me at first. What was it? The name was on the top of my tongue. Then it clicked.

I realized with cold horror that I was alone. I felt that I was alone. It was not the type of loneliness that one got when their parents ran to the store for an hour. It was that my soul was alone. All my life I had opened up my heart and shared it with others. It wasn't my own heart anymore but contained pieces of other people.

At first my heart was punctured by my parents, creating two perfect holes which were filled by them. Then my father changed and I was sad for a while with that precious piece missing. One of two.

Then Gaara came along and fit snugly in that spot and I was complete again. When I left Gaara when we were kids, and nobody filled that spot, life was hell. Or what I figured hell would be like at age six. It stayed that way but I was only half empty. I still had my mother.

Somehow before I had known it, my mother had left my heart. She disappeared and drained away through her own sort of betrayal. I never wished for her to leave my heart. But so many times she stood beside and closed the door, turning a blind eye to what that man did. She sacrificed me for her own protection. I was merely a little girl.

Within my heart empty I felt loneliness. I was at the bottom of a hole I felt I would never escape. Then a light showed me the way out. Zakari was born. He filled my heart halfway. One of those slots was full. He showed me light I hadn't known for a long time and he was enough for me. It was like that for years.

And it only got better. I opened up my heart more and others punctured it and filled it up there was very little of my own heart left. I was no longer alone. I was the opposite of lonely. Itachi, Naruto, Utakata, Shikamaru, Sakura, Hinata, Tobirama, and Gaara. They joined Zakari and made their own marks stealing parts of my heart and life was wonderful.

Just as they came, each of them left. First Gaara melted away. Then Zakari was torn brutally from my heart. The others followed. Or, perhaps it would be more accurate to say I shoved them all out of my heart. All but Utakata who clung on and refused to let go.

I owe the fact that I have lived to Utakata. For staying with me through the bad for as long as he did. Though I had little of my heart left with all the empty holes, he was filling up a small piece and keeping me alive.

Utakata was a coat over my bare body in the middle of winter. Things weren't warm but they weren't as bad as they could have been. But now even he has gone and I am left shivering in the cold. I am freezing to death. He's left and left me with a heart completely empty.

I may have been able to survive this before I saw Gaara. I saw him smiling and laughing and reminding me of the life I could have had with him in place of Sari. Life I would have had if I was not so stupid. Knowing what could have been and having to live with that regret is nearly as bad as being alone.

So now I sat in my room, a world of unknown in front of me. I see no light. I am the only one in the world that feels like this I'm sure. I have no one to blame but myself for this misery. If I had been kinder others would have come into my life.

This is a loneliness that can kill. I picked up the bottle of pills and unscrewed the cap. "A loneliness that claims another victim."

What was the point of continuing? I thought about writing a letter but realized no one would ever read it. That was the point of being alone. In fact I could see it. Tobirama would be calling me asking how I was doing and I wouldn't pick up. I'd be too busy loosing consciousnesses, fading into a blackness I'd never wake from.

Then Tobi would get annoyed. He'd call Utakata who would say we're no longer talking. Then after a few more days, he'd send someone to my place and knock and holler and be noisy. The staff would ask what was wrong. After a day or so they'd open my door and see me. By then my body would be bloated and my heart stopped.

A lot of people would attend my funeral but I wouldn't be able to name most of them. Utakata might be sad and he'd hug Hotaru. But in a week he'd be over it and maybe even later that day he would be on a plane to his next shooting location. Nobody else would bother coming.

I smiled. Perhaps I should write a letter to the police who have to clean up my body. I could see it:Dear Police, sorry about the mess. I tried to choose a clean way to go. It was this or splitting my wrists.

I curled my knees up to my chest and gave myself a hug. "I'm tired." I whispered, dumping a handful of pills into my hand. Tired summed it all up. Tired of trying. Of feeling sad and lonely and tired. Of pretending everything was fine.

Of living.

There was no point pushing it or delaying it further. I took four pills in my mouth and and sent a prayer to heaven that I may be forgiven. Surely I would end up in heaven with Zakari. Had I not spent enough time in hell already? Only one way to find out.

I sat back on the bed and stared at the white wall, swallowing the pills with the water. Then I poured a few more into my hand and repeated the motion. I realized I was crying when I shut my eyes at last and felt the tears fall on my chest. I should have dressed up more. Dying in underwear wasn't glamorous at all.

Another bunch and another bunch I took until the entire bottle was gone. I cried harder and the bottle fell from my hands. I closed my eyes and felt absolutely nothing. Finally the pain from the loneliness was gone. I leaned back.

My phone rang. I didn't feel like answering it. But it sparked a little motivation in me. There was someone else I wanted to call. Someone's voice I wanted to hear. I dialed the numbers and let it ring.

It was an automated voice message. I was quiet for a few seconds. "Hey... this, this used to be Gaara's phone. It probably isn't now. Some stranger is probably going to get this and delete I before I even finish. It will... never be heard. But that's okay. I can't believe I remember this number... five years later.

"Or maybe I can believe it. I'm pretty pathetic huh Gaara? But let's not talk about me." I laughed. "I want you to know I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy you got where you are. If anyone deserves a happy ending it's you. You wouldn't have had this ending with me. I would have held you back. It's good we didn't work out. For you.

"I want you to know that no matter what this- I mean, if something happened it wouldn't be your fault. I never want you to think about me again okay? I want you to be happy. I want you to be a good dad. Congrats by the way, I never told you that. I hope you and Sari and the baby. You will be a terrific dad. You were always great with Zakari. He loved you. I never told you, but he used to brag to his friends about what a great dad he had. He'd sneak into my room at night hoping you had stopped by. And if you hadn't he'd wake me up asking why not. In the morning when I asked what he wanted to eat, he would say 'I want fish, because that's what my new daddy likes'."

I was tearing up. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. "You will be an excellent father, husband, and manager. Thank you for all the memories, they were excellent. I don't regret a thing.

Wow... I'm, getting tired now. I'll see you again someday. Or, well I probably won't. I don't think that we'll go to the same place in the end. It's sad... I wanted to see Zakari again... I-"

My voice wouldn't come out anymore. Tears and the fatigue blocked it. I let the phone fall from my hand.

I was terribly tired now. It wouldn't be long. Nobody would find me before I blacked out and the life drained out of me. I'd be gone soon. I smiled and let the life drain from me with my tears.

I thought I heard something crash, or maybe a voice. But it was so quiet it didn't matter. Soon... so soon... I'd be gone.

I don't know If I had been asleep, or if I was just nearing it, when I heard a bang resonating through the building. It didn't matter. I didn't have the energy to open my eyes again. Not ever again. Even the call of a familiar voice was muted.

My eyes were shut, I was off in a dream land. I prayed I would never wake.


	11. Those Left Behind

**30 minutes earlier.**

**|no POV|**

Gaara had been under a ridiculous amount of stress. Ever since the happenings with Sari. He still had a hard time believing she was pregnant. But he had seen the small bump himself. When she came crying to him, admitting everything, there was only one logical thing to do.

But, breaking up with Sari and calling of the engagement, the wedding, everything, was hard. It was hard on him emotionally and on his reputation. There was no other option.

Sari had been unfaithful.

That child was not his. Gaara had refused to sleep with her, not wanting an incident like that to happen until marriage for fear of it tarnishing his reputation. So there was no chance that the child was his. Oddly enough, it hadn't really upset him. After a day or so all he felt was relief. Yes he liked Sari, but he _never_ loved her. There was no sexual attraction on his part. He saw her as a friend. It was more of a comfortable and convenient relationship.

Gaara's first thought after the news of Sari's betrayal was-as ashamed of it as he was-if perhaps this was meant to be. It had opened new doors. Perhaps the arrival of an old love was supposed to mean something.

Zena had returned. He thought that he would never see her again after she left. He was mad at her for leaving like she had. Every day after the accident five years ago he'd gone to the hospital. Until finally they told him she'd returned home. He'd rushed there only to find the apartment empty. Only Utakata there packing up the necessities.

Gaara clenched his fists against the steering wheel. He was driving down the freeway at what felt like a sluggish speed. Utakata. How he hated that man. He hated him because he had lived the life Gaara wanted. Even if it was fake.

It should have been Gaara helping Zena through the day. It should have been Gaara showering and feeding her when she was helpless and making her forget all the pain. But it wasn't. Gaara had found himself smiling when Naruto told him the news. They'd broken up.

That was bad though, because, he was with Sari at that point.

So Sari had come clean and Gaara thought surely this was fate. Zena and him were single. She'd come running to him and he thought for sure she was about to confess.

She didn't. She wished him luck with everything. And then she'd gotten so busy that he couldn't get hold of her. He tried. He even made Konan try for him. But he was forced to watch as she became even more famous. Every magazine he saw held news of her and Utakata's breakup, or Gaara and Sari.

Lately he'd been worried though. She was getting thinner and thinner. Before when he criticized her body he meant that she was to thing, but it seemed she misunderstood He'd never seen her like this. And he'd had enough. Someone needed to talk to her. Utakata wasn't around watching over her. As much as Gaara hated Utakata he felt indebted to the man who had watched over the girl he loved for so long.

Even if Zena wouldn't forgive Gaara and let him back in, he wanted to try to be her friend and the very least. He needed to try and pay her a visit in person. He would sit in front of her door till she came back if that was necessary.

Konan had texted him the hotel and suite number. Gaara's phone rang but he didn't answer. He had his Bluetooth in but he wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Not until he saw her.

The phone went to voicemail He hadn't had a chance to change the greeting. It used to be Sari and him-since it was his personal cellphone and not his work-but after the breakup he deleted that. The message spoke in his ear as the person left their voicemail.

The voice almost made him crash. It was Zena. She sounded off, her voice quiet but sincere.

"Hey... this, this used to be Gaara's phone. It probably isn't now. Some stranger is probably going to get this and delete I before I even finish. It will... never be heard. But that's okay. I can't believe I remember this number... five years later."

Gaara swallowed. She remembered his phone number? He tried to focus on the road while digging through his jacket looking for his phone.

"...Or maybe I can believe it. I'm pretty pathetic huh Gaara? But let's not talk about me." She laughed but he didn't find it funny at all."

"I want you to know I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy you got where you are. If anyone deserves a happy ending it's you. You wouldn't have had this ending with me. I would have held you back. It's good we didn't work out. For you. "

What was she talking about? Was she stupid? Gaara frowned, still unable to find his phone.

"I want you to know that no matter what this- I mean, if something happened it wouldn't be your fault. I never want you to think about me again okay? I want you to be happy. I want you to be a good dad. Congrats by the way, I never told you that. I hope the best for you and Sari and the baby. You will be a terrific dad."

Gaara changed lanes. He couldn't find the phone. He needed to get to the exit to pull over and look for it. He needed to pick up! What was Zena talking about? She didn't honestly think it was his kid did she?

"You were always great with Zakari." Gaara couldn't breathe at the metnion of Zakari.

"He loved you. I never told you, but he used to brag to his friends about what a great dad he had. He'd sneak into my room at night hoping you had stopped by. And if you hadn't he'd wake me up asking why not. In the morning when I asked what he wanted to eat, he would say 'I want fish, because that's what my new daddy likes'."

Gaara heard Zena tear up. "Zena..." He whispered, his own eyes becoming moist. Gaara wasn't one to cry. He hadn't cried since Zakari left. But Zena's words tore him apart.

"You will be an excellent father, husband, and manager. Thank you for all the memories, they were excellent I don't regret a thing."

"Zena no stop." Gaara yelled, even though she couldn't hear him. He still hadn't found his phone. "Zena!"

"Wow... I'm, getting tired now. I'll see you again someday. Or, well I probably won't. I don't think that we'll go to the same place in the end. It's sad... I wanted to see Zakari again... I-"

"ZENA!"

It dawned on him what she was doing. He reached into his vest and finally his fingers found the phone. He clicked it just as there was a muffled sound on the other end. "Zena!" He yelled into it. "ZENA IT'S ME!"

But no matter how he yelled she wasn't responding. Gaara pushed down on the gas. He swerved between cars, took turns too sharp, and ran two red lights before he parked in front of the hotel in a fire lane without locking his car.

The elevator was taking too long. He hit the button over and over again before giving up and taking the stairs. He didn't care that it was six flights. He ran the entire way until he saw her door. He knocked frantically, trying to open it. He shouted for her. She didn't respond.

Nothing scared Gaara. He could go up against a rival gang in high school without batting an eye. He could take down any company he laid eyes on. He was invincible, strong, a man.

He'd never been so scared in his life. So scared he could cry. If he lost Zene...

Gaara tried to force the door open. Realizing he wasn't getting in a normal way he backed up, aimed, and kicked the door. It flung open.

He checked the first door he saw. It was to the bathroom. He tried the next one and immediately spotted her lying on the bed in just her underwear. He'd never seen her look so thin, pale, and even though she must have been asleep, tired.

He grabbed her, holding her to his body. She was cold. "Shit Zena. What did you do. What did you do." He cried.

Someone came in behind him, probably an employee.

"Call an ambulance." He shouted. "Call an ambulance. There's been-" Gaara had to force the words out. "A suicide"

He gripped her tight and pressed his head into her shoulder. "Why would you do this to me." He cried. "You idiot. You idiot..."


	12. The Cruelest Fate

Gaara sat besides the hospital bed. It was a private room, the nicest the hospital had. Gaara had made sure Zena had the best care possible. When she arrived at the hospital, her heart had stopped and they were forced to start it again. They pumped her stomach but because it had been so long since she'd had anything to eat, they weren't sure of the effect. She'd taken too many pills, and they had arrived a bit too late.

Her heart had stopped. They jumped it but there was no guarantee that Zena was in the clear. If her heart stopped again, there wouldn't be any chance of restarting it. It was all on Zena.

The doctor had told Gaara to prepare for the worst. Often times it was the will to live that pulled these sorts of cases. Seeing that Zena had tried to take her own life, there probably wasn't much of that. The odds were against her.

Everyone had been called. In just three short hours, reporters had flocked around the hospital. All of his friends were in the waiting room. Konan hadn't stopped crying. Utakata was on a plane back to town. Tobirama even made it.

Gaara wouldn't let go of Zena. He held onto her hand and prayed nonstop. It had been three and a half hours. The pills Zena had taken were prescribed Nembutal, but the doctor who did so had been foolish. It was dangerous, and for someone as unstable as Zena, deadly.

Gaara wiped his eyes and looked up at Zena. Her lips were blue. She might as well have been dead. She was so cold. Gaara blinked and looked up. "Please let her wake up. I know you miss her Zakari, but please tell god to give her back. Please."

But Zena didn't move. The more time went by, the less hope Gaara had. He pressed his head into her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her. The doctor and the nurses in the room didn't have the heart to tear him off. He cried as he had cried five years ago. He prayed and prayed and gripped her tighter with each passing moment.

His heart still had a part for her, and he felt it dying as she slipped away. He knew that she was almost gone. The beeping on the monitor told him that. It was getting quieter, fainter.

The doctor took off his gloves and let out a heavy sigh before exiting the room. He'd seen this scenario many times, but this was one of the worst. When he stepped outside a crowd rushed to him but he brushed it off. As one of the best doctors in the city he'd had proper training at keeping calm and neutral. For the first time in a few years, the doctor felt like his heart might break. The sight of young lovers being torn apart was the cruelest fate god could give.

The doctor wasn't alone. Two of the four nurses in the room had to leave, one of them with teary eyes over the sight of a man like Gaara, crying like a baby. Of someone having to watch their loved one die. One of the remaining nurses placed a hand on his shoulder. "Sir-"

He ignored her and the other nurse pulled her away with a whispered "let it be. Let him grieve".

Gaara heard that. So they had given up on her? They knew she would die? Zena would die...

It was his fault! Gaara gritted his teeth and let out a wail. "No. I'm sorry Zena. ZENA! This is my fault please don't... please. I'm sorry. There's so much I didn't say. I wanted to love you. I wanted to grow old with you and have a house with a porch. I wanted to sit on it when we were old and wrinkled. Forget the past five years! We have five more to go Zena. No! We have twenty times that! Please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I never told you how much I loved you."

"I love you. I love you. Please Zena just wake up. Please... I love you. I love you."

She didn't move. The beeps were getting farther apart. Gaara gripped his hand and brought it up to his lips, which were wet from tears. He opened her cold, deathly thin and pale hand. "Please don't take her God. I can't let you take her." He cried louder.

"She's mine." He kissed the palm of her hand. His words weren't intelligible between sobs. "She's mine. She's mine. I won't let anyone have you Zena. You're mine. YOU'RE MINE!"


	13. You're Mine and I'm Yours

Someone was calling to me. I heard the words but it was like a different language. A familiar voice, like I'd heard it before in a dream? Who was that?

The name came to me. _Gaara_...

I could hear him. He was calling for me. There was a despiration in his voice. I needed to get to him. I didn't want to hear him like that. He was crying. I knew he was crying somehow.

But, I couldn't see anything. It was black. There was nothing. The voice was getting further away. I didn't want to loose it though. I needed to get to that voice. It felt like I was surrounded by a thick fog. I tried to fight it but it was weighing me down. The voice was so distant now. I could only hear the whisper of a name.

No

I couldn't let it end like that. I needed to get to him. He was crying. He needed me.

I fought against the pressing fog. I fought hard, trying to hear the voice. There it was, becoming louder and louder until-

"-She's mine. I won't let anyone have you Zena. You're mine. YOU'RE MINE!"

I became aware of my body. I had a nose. I could smell lemons. I had ears. I could hear someone sobbing. I had eyes, I could see white through my eyelids. I had a body. Someone was hugging me, kissing my palm.

I had a voice.

"...y-yo...you...rs." I whispered, my throat screaming with the pain of it. "Y-yours..."

My eyes fluttered open. I heard a slow beeping in the background getting more and more steady.

Gaara stared down at me with wide eyes. They were bloodshot and his face was swollen with tears. He stopped crying for a second when he saw me, and then it started up again twice as hard. But they were a different kind of tears. He kissed my hand again.

"I knew it. I knew you'd come back. You're mine Zena. I can't let even god have you."

I felt my eyes stinging and then I couldn't see. Nurses rushed over to check the vitals but Gaara refused to let go of my hand.

"You came." I whispered. I didn't think he would. I didn't think I'd still be alive. But there was Gaara, clearly crying. I cried too. I was embarrassed and sad and at the same time happy that I was alive. I saw how sad Gaara was. I didn't want to make him feel that way.

He kissed my hand again and then looked at me, his breathing still unsteady and the tears still coming, but not as hard. "I can't waist any more time." He gasped.

He crashed his lips down on mine and I was okay with it. I might regret it later when I was able to think clearly, but I relished that feeling. A kiss that had five years worth of love in it.

Gaara was pulled back by a nurse, who insisted he leave now that I was going to live. He reluctantly did so and I let them see to me. All the while my head was spinning.

"You are very lucky." A nurse said, taking an IV out of my arm. "To have lived, and to have a man like that. I've never seen such devotion before. We didn't think you would live. Your boyfriend... he..."

She had to stop talking because she was tearing up. The nurse sniffed. "Anyways, you should live, if only to keep him from crying like that again."

I nodded slowly. Gaara wasn't my boyfriend. It was okay to pretend for a second. I closed my eyes. The nurses said I shouldn't sleep until they were sure I was out of the danger zone.

An hour passed before they let Gaara and two others in. They could only let three people visit at a time. Gaara stumbled in with Naruto and Tobirama behind.

Tobi took a seat on one side of me, Naruto and Gaara on the other.

Naruto hugged me as soon as he saw me. "Don't you ever, ever, ever do something like that again. I knew you weren't okay when I saw you. I should have done something."

"I'm sorry." Tobirama said. "I didn't think things had gotten so bad. I should have seen the signs."

I sniffed. These people, they cared about me. Naruto had obviously been crying. Gaara still had water in his eyes. Tobirama-for the first time in my memory-looked like he hadn't even brushed his hair. Glancing down I saw that his shoes didn't even match.

"I don't care come on just let us the fuck in!" I heard Hidan shouting from the other side of the hospital door. Seconds later there was a bang and a crowd filed in.

Hidan and Pein looked intimidating, clearly having forced their way in. Nobody had the courage to stand up to them.

Sakura, Hinata, Kankuro, Itachi and Shikamaru and Temari were in the second row. Then Utakata came over with Hotaru and gave me a hug. Ino put a vase of flowers up. The room was big but people had to squeeze to fit inside. Konan handed me a boquet of oragami roses. Matsuri, my old Secretary, and even Sasuke were there. Tenten arrived with Deidara and Sasori. Everyone I was sure wouldn't miss me if I was gone, was there.

"Oi bitch, ever do something like that again and I'll fucking kill ya okay? Don't forget that rain check you owe me." Hidan hollered from a corner of the room.

"Shut up Hidan." Kakuzu scolded.

"Make me cocksucker." He shouted back.

"Beauty is supposed to last forever." Sasori smirked. "You've been listening to that idiot Deidara havn't you? Wanting to go out with a bang?"

I laughed despite myself, ignoring a fight between the Art Duo.

Konan sat on the bed next to me, an arm around my shoulder. "I'm sorry." She whispered. "For not being there when you needed me."

I shook my head, biting my lip. "I didn't think you all would come..."

"Of course we'd come!" Naruto shouted. "We fucking love you!"

Everyone agreed. Gaara took my hand and didn't let go of it. I leaned back, tired. Everyone talked and visited. The mood was light, but fragile. Eventually a nurse came and shooed all but Gaara away.

Gaara sat besides me. He rubbed small circles in my hand and we were comfortable.

"Thank you." I whispered. "I'm sorry for scaring you."

"Don't be sorry." He said back. His voice was hoarse. "I'm the one who should be sorry. This is my fault isn't it? If I'd just been there for you. If I never-"

"Hey." I gave his hand a squeeze. "Don't blame yourself. I was selfish, wanting to be free from all the pain. I didn't think about you. I know, of course you'd be sad. We dated and everything."

Gaara looked up slowly, his eyes searching. "Zena..."

"But it's okay now Gaara. Everyone came to see me. They might force me to go to inpatient now. But I'll be okay, really. I won't try to kill myself again. I thought I was alone but there are so many people who really do care about me."

I took a deep breath and smiled. "So, I'll be okay now. I'm going to start over. I'm going to forge new bonds. I'll let people in my heart. I'll try to move on and I'll fall in love with someone and grow old."

Gaara wasn't saying anything. I thought it was because he wanted me to finish and was happy for me.

"So you do the same okay? We can be friends now. I'll be nice to Sari I promise. I'll even babysit the kid if you need me to. I'm good with kids. Maybe if I have one of my own we can have play dates." I laughed. "We can move-"

"Are you stupid?"

"Huh?" I looked taken aback.

Gaara tilted his head back and laughed. "You don't fucking get it do you Zena?"

Confused and a little hurt I regarded him with suspicion. "What?".

"There's no moving on. You're not going to meet another guy and fall in love. You're not going to have kids with some other model."

I frowned. "You don't think I can move on."

"I know you can't." Gaara said confidently.

It felt like I had been punched. I couldn't respond but I felt like I might cry.

"You can't move on. You're not going to fall in love with another guy. Because.. haven't I told you?"

I waited with baited breath.

"You're mine Zena. Even if you wan't to, I won't let you be anyone else's." He kissed the palm of my hand.

I gasped. This feeling was love, flowing through me and giving me energy. Then I had a rude awakening when I remembered something very important. I looked away.

"What's wrong?" Asked Gaara, concerned.

I sighed. "We can't Gaara. You have Sari. You're having a kid with her. I love you but this wouldn't be right..."

Gaara just laughed. "You are so dense."

"Eh?"

"You thought the child was mine this whole time? Zena... I never slept with Sari.

The dots were being connected. I thought back to the day I came running to him. How he acted, his words...

"So... the child..."

"It isn't mine. Sari cheated on me."

"So... the engagement..."

"Was canceled. You foolish girl." Gaara pulled on my arm and crashed his lips on mine. I kissed him back. In that moment everything was perfect.

"I'm sorry I lied to you." Gaara whispered. "But I know where you will be in five years. This time I'm telling the truth."

"Where's that." I breathed against him.

Gaara looked me in the eyes. "With me."


	14. Five Years Later

**Five years later**

A large house stood alone in the country. On a hot summer day it was loud with birds singing to one another, bees buzzing about a well-groomed flower bed, and trees rattling with squirrels. Piercing the tranquel melody was the laughing of two children.

"Give it back! Yahiko!" A small three year old girl with red pigtails was screaming, running after a boy.

The boy, with blue hair and yellow eyes-who couldn't have been much older than the girl-laughed loudly. "Come get it then little baby Kara! He stuck his tongue out."

The little boy wasn't watching where he was going. He ran into an older female version of himself with the same shade of brilliant blue hair. She gave him a look.

"Mom I had it first!" The boy whined, hiding a large bag of skittles behind his back.

"How about we ask Zena." She flicked his forehead.

"Mommy tell her! Tell her!" The little girl cried.

My attention was caught from the magazine I had been flipping through. I looked up and laughed. "I gave it to them to share Konan."

My daughter, three years old, climbed up and sat on my lap, trying to make the porch swing go back and forth. I kissed her forehead.

"I _was _sharing." Yahiko protested. "I was just eating my half first."

"Yahiko, how can you be rude to a young lady like Kara?"

"But Kara isn't a lady!" Yahiko scrunched his nose up. "She's a baaaaaby."

Kara yelled protest at that.

"What would your father say if he heard that?" Konan shook her head, lifting the boy up on her hip and walking over to Zena.

"His father would say that Yahiko must get his orneriness from his mother."

I turned to see two redheads walking through the door and out onto the back porch. The taller redhead with piercings walked up and gave Konan a kiss.

"Watch it Pein. You've got yourself a feisty one there." The other man in a suit laughed.

I scooted over so Gaara could sit beside me on the swing. "I thought you weren't going to be home till later?"

"How could I stay cooped up in an office on a day like this?" Gaara asked, ruffling Kara's hair up. "We have to pick out decorations for the designer. Only the best for our new baby."

He placed a hand over my stomach. It looked the same as always. I had put on a bit of weight, getting back int he hundreds for health reasons but there was no way to tell I was carrying.

I shook my head. "Don't you think you're getting ahead of yourself? There's seven more months to go. We don't even know the gender."

Gaara looked shocked. "You can never be too prepared."

Konan laughed. "Was he like this with Kara?"

"Much worse."

We laughed at Gaara's expense.

"Well, I've got to get back home." Konan took the bag of skittles from Yahiko, giving him some before passing it to Kara.

"Do we have to go mommy?" Protested Yahiko. "I want to stay with Kara longer!"

Pein chuckled. "I thought you didn't like her."

Yahiko crossed his arms. "I don't."

Gaara shook his head. "They're going to get married one day."

I swatted him. "Don't set poor Yahiko up for failure! It Kara grows up to be like you she'll be a handful."

"And if she grows up like you, she'll be a heart breaker."

"Come on Pein, time to leave the lovebirds alone." Konan laughed.

I stood up and walked with them to the door. "Thanks for watching her for me Konan. I have a runway show tomorrow, you still free?"

"Of course. Seeing as _someone-" _She gave Pein a Look. "Won't let me work anymore."

"There's no reason for you to." Pein kissed her forehead.

"Gaara let's Zena work." She pointed out.

"That's because I love modeling." I waved it off. "He couldn't take that away from me."

They agreed.

"So, tomorrow at eight I'll pick her up? I think we'll be spending the day with Naruto and Hinata. Their new baby is growing so fast."

"I'm not surprised. He was nine pounds and nearly eighteen inches when he was born! And that was a month premature."

"You should have been there. I've never heard Hinata curse before in my life." Konan covered her mouth.

I giggled. "I bet. He is definitely his fathers child. Same birthmark and everything."

"But he has her eyes." Konan smiled. "He'll be a little heart breaker. I think Yahiko will have some competition for Kara's heart."

"If you two are done gossiping like middle aged housewives..." Pein mumbled.

Konan glared at him. "I recommend you buying a new couch for the living room."

"huh? Why?"

"Because you'll be sleeping on it for a while, and the one we have isn't that comfortable." Konan sent him a positively scary smile.

Pein gave her a pleading glance. "What? What did I say?"

"I'll let you reflect on it. See you tomorrow Zena." Konan waved.

I laughed. Gaara came up behind me, Kara following suit. He wrapped his arms around me. "They're perfect for each other hm?"

"Soul mates." I nodded.

Gaara spun me around, grabbing my hand and pressing it against his lips. "Like two other people I know."

"Who? Ino and Sai?"

He shook his head.

I pretended to think. "Sakura and Sasuke?"

"Not even close."

"Naruto and Hinata?"

Gaara chuckled. "How about a bully and a street rat?"

I laughed. "Sounds perfect."

"You know, it's been five years." Gaara whispered, fingering a ring on my finger. "That's the real reason I came home early."

"You were right. You didn't lie. I'm exactly where you said I'd be." I felt my heart ache with the force of my love for him. How perfect a man he was...

"Yes." Gaara opened my palm. "We have a beautiful daughter, a lovely house, and most importantly..."

He kissed the palm of my hand and tears sprung to my eyes.

"You're mine."

"Your's."

Kara ran up to us and grabbed our hands. "Kana's!"

It seemed there was such a thing as a happy ever after.

The End.

* * *

A.N.

Thanks for sticking by this story to the end. I hope you like it. I felt that after all they had been through, they deserved a happy ending of sorts. Please tell me what you thought of it :) I hope you liked it. I cried like a baby writing it but I hope nobody else fell into that trap .

Well, it's time for me to move on to my next story. I hope you all survive this to read my next Konoha High School piece of -s-h-i-t- ... er, I mean art?

Thank you again my beautiful readers!


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